


Crash & Rebuild

by stylinzarrysexualxo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bottom Louis, Cheating Harry, Daddy Kink, Depression, Dirty Talk, Eventual Smut, Healing, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Nude Photos, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Sad Louis, Sexting, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-23 16:28:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13791594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylinzarrysexualxo/pseuds/stylinzarrysexualxo
Summary: The one where Louis' sad and trying to cope with a lonely life, Harry's trying to forget his own failures and the love that escaped him in the arms of another, and figuring out that no matter what happens, sometimes love and that spark doesn't just die as you thought it might have.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> CN: First off, I am sorry I haven't been on here a lot posting things for you all to read. Life got in the way & I went through quite an intense break up after 9 months. Something which inspired this fanfiction. I channeled my sadness into this.
> 
> I've started a previous story like this before but I didn't really have much interest in maintaining it so once I had figured this one out, I felt it fit more and I could make it flow easier.
> 
> I have also figured out that longer stories (5+ chapters like i've been doing) are harder for me to maintain and commit to so its possible that I may not continue the other works I have on here which is sad.
> 
> People really like Secrets of Love and I would love to finish it off since I haven't updated in ages but i'm not sure what to do with it now. Feel free to leave ideas if you've read it. Maybe after this I can try. I'm not a good planner, i just like to write what comes out.
> 
> As for now I think I will just stick to shorter stuff.
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> Enjoy. xoxo

_"In other news, Louis Tomlinson, former member of the world famous boyband One Direction was released from a psychiatric institution after an apparent attempted suicide._

_He was transported by ambulance to a hospital just a month ago after a 911 call from fellow band mate and friend Liam Payne who found him unresponsive on the floor of his London house._

_Many fans have showed their support on Twitter for the heartthrob and Doncaster native along with making speculations as to why usually cheerful Tomlinson would go through with such an act._

_The most popular speculation comes from a particular part of the One Direction fandom.Those who seem to think that Louis and his bandmate Harry Styles were formerly in a relationship, his attempt coming just a day after Styles' newly announced and surprising engagement to Nick Grimshaw. Fans say Tomlinson reacted badly to the news and tried to take his own life._

_Though the speculation is interesting, nothing has been confirm-"_

"Lottie. Please." A voice spoke, one Louis could only identify as Dan sitting on his left side as he ate with his family, grip on his fork causing his knuckles to go white.

Or really.. they ate, he'd frozen, newly sparked pain dull in the center of his chest as the news reporter spoke. It'd been a month and it was no less painful even with therapist's help. The news reporter had no idea just how right she was. How on the nose their fans were. He knew they were good at figuring out the unspoken reasons for things but he never thought they'd catch on so fast to something like this. It almost made him feel guilty for making them worry.

Almost. 

Lottie stood from the table slowly, walking into the living room, grabbing the remote from where Fizzy had carelessly tossed it while they'd been watching cartoons with Ernest and Doris, and shut the television off quickly. She turned back towards the kitchen, their gazes meeting, hers laced with pure concern while his remained indifferent. A slight turn upwards of his mouth was all the reassurance he could really offer her at this point.

He still wasn't sure why he'd done such a thing himself. As he thought about it after his release, he figured it was a little dramatic. Let no one tell him he couldn't still rock a drama degree but he didn't want to die. Not really. He just felt like a huge part of his life had been missing for a long time. Several months in fact. Right around the time Harry had left him after his downward spiral.

They'd tried to make it work for a long time. They lasted five years before things started getting in the way. Career commitments, lack of coming out opportunities, more control over their actions, crazy promo tactics, PR stunts featuring leggy models and one Eleanor Calder. Maybe a child, of course which Harry did not take too kindly too. Then the mother of all horrid events, his mum passing. 

After she'd died, it was like he got stuck with a dark cloud over his head. Harry constantly being gone for his album didn't help. Not like he didn't have his own meetings and work commitments but he figured there would always be time. It also didn't help the boy had a "more pressing matter to attend to" and did not attend her funeral with him and really that was bullshit in itself. Something inside him broke that day with no chance of being repaired. At least not anytime soon.

When Harry was gone, he'd be with Oli out at a club trying to drink away the fact that his boyfriend was way too busy for him. He'd stumble in at four in the morning smelling of whiskey and weed and sometimes Harry wouldn't even be home yet. When he was, he usually got a lecture the morning after which lead to a fight of some sort, and Harry avoiding him most of the day by spending it at the studio.

On top of all of this, there was still the fact that they were forced into separation and straightness by money hungry labels and reps. It had been building for years and each day that passed added more stress. It got to be too much. While Louis wanted to try to sustain them, make their relationship withstand anything, Harry didn't. Not with Louis acting out and their 'spark' dulling because of anger and depression and distress. It wasn't like it didn't pain him to do as much, either. He knew it hurt the other boy too, extremely so, but it was what had to be done at the time, and he seemed to handle the separation a lot easier. 

Of course, not long after they split, Harry was offered the opportunity to come out. It was like a cruel cosmic joke that had slapped him in the face. Louis had no doubt that they might have been able to be a truly out couple if they were still together but of course he'd fucked that all up now.

The part that sucked at the time and maybe it still did was that he lived in their house they'd bought together after X Factor. The house their love grew in. It was filled with old pictures, home videos, and a lot of other things that showed they had once had a life there together and Louis never touched a thing. He always told the boys he'd rather feel pain than forget. He still counted seeing Harry's stuff disappear one thing at a time as one of the worst things he's ever had to go through but he made it.

What he didn't expect was for Nick to announce on his radio show they were getting married not too long after learning they'd been in a relationship. Or that they'd be having an engagement party in London when Harry returned from recording his album in Los Angeles. To put it bluntly, he got insanely drunk while out with Liam and Niall that night. So drunk, they had to pick him up off the sidewalk and carry him back to his house since they'd walked to the club. 

Niall went home and Liam stepped outside after they deposited him down on the bed. Apparently it was a huge mistake. The biggest one they ever could have made.

Louis had literally crawled into the bathroom, tears streaming down his face though he showed no emotion in his features, and pulled himself up to his feet by gripping the cold, unforgiving porcelain of the sink. He grabbed the sleeping pills from behind the mirror where they were hidden. Harry had had some trouble sleeping at one time due to his traveling schedule and he'd gotten them to try to even out. It would figure it would be something of Harry's to do him in. Rather poetic way to end one's life. 

He swallowed them all in one go.

Next thing he knew, he was waking to bright lights in a large, private hospital room with Liam and Niall looking down on him with matching expressions of distress. The first thing he remembered hearing was the thing he'd keep on hearing from people that cared about him for a long time.

"Are you crazy, why would you do this?!"

Liam's voice was shaking and it made Louis' stomach sink. He was the one who had found him on the bathroom floor, unconsious he would later find out. He couldn't imagine what Liam must have been thinking the whole time. He remembered thinking he didn't want to know. He also remembered thinking in some space of his mind he was glad his mum couldn't see him like this.

Niall had remained severely quiet the whole time which was quite unlike the Irish lad. He was even more pale than usual and his expression was schooled into that of a mix of concern, exhaustion, sadness, and stress. While he wasn't exactly thinking, he wasn't a monster and he offered Niall an apology and stretched his arms out for a hug which the boy took up the opportunity quickly, flopping into his arms, and crying.

"I'm sorry, Ni. Li I-I couldn't take it anymore." He had stuttered, his blue eyes fixing on Liam's brown, glassy eyes as he moved closer and joined the hug as well.

"Please don't try to leave us again." He had whispered into Louis' unkempt hair, all he could do was nod.

It was decided that it was unwise even after Louis had been rehabilitated and deemed fit to return home that he go back to the house he shared with Harry. After all, it made sense. Even if he did feel a bit better than he had going in, he was still vulnerable to memories. The scars of ending a relationship after five years were a lot deeper than he expected them to be, even after deciding at the time maybe he'd rather die after all. He wasn't sure he could deal with them alone at the time of his release.

Instead, he went to stay with Dan and the girls back home while he was trying to heal himself more and cope with the fact that he may never be able to retain what he once had with Harry. Dan had picked him up, Ernest and Doris sitting in the back seat, a big smile on their faces as they saw Louis' face through the window and he smiled back, the first smile that had spread across his face in a while.

Unfortunately, he wasn't really the same person after he was released. What was once a bright and funny and charming boy was now an indifferent, unfeeling, sad replacement. He could tell the girls were a little less than enthused to see this and it actually made him wish he wasn't so screwed up from all of it. That he could be that person who joked around with them and played with them happily. He wished he was normal.

Louis wanted to take them out to the parks and to the zoo. To buy them stuff and smile brightly as they bragged to each other and Dan about everything they'd gotten from him. He wanted to spend time with Ernie and Doris while they were so young and impressionable and teach them everything he knew. Sadly, it didn't look as if that would happen.

He felt like Bella after Edward had left and as much as it made him cringe to make that comparison, it wasn't far off the mark. He didn't want to do anything but sit and sulk. Isolate himself while the pain consumed him.

Losing his appetite, he stood, making his way into the living room instead to sit on the couch and stare out the window into the darkness that was making its way across the sky. When he felt someone sit next to him, he sighed.

"Are you alright?" Lottie asked gently, her hand moving to rest upon his knee.

"I wish I was, Lots. I feel like i've changed for the worse. I'm a horrid brother and a shitty boyfriend." Louis paused, his face turning to connect his gaze with hers, frowning a bit. "I basically suck as a human being."

Lottie's hand moved from her brother's knee to his shoulder, squeezing it gently. Louis could feel her stare boring into the back of his head so he turned his head towards her, gnawing on his lower lip.

"Daisy and Phoebe don't quite understand what's happened. Dan hasn't told them what you've done or where you've been. They just don't get it, Lou. Its not you."

Louis' head turned downward, staring at his mismatched black and red socks against the white carpet. He tried not to think about the fact that the black one was one Harry left behind.

Tears built up in his eyes but he didn't let them fall, dull bluish gray eyes turning glassy.

"I'm never going to love anyone again." He whispered, his voice straining even as low as it was, sounding rough, like his breath was getting stuck but he still tried to speak. "And that terrifies me. Everyone I meet is going to be compared to him. If I even meet anyone. I can't even fathom giving anyone the chance to be let in."

Lottie didn't speak, wrapping her arm around Louis' shoulder, pressing her forehead against his temple. He could feel that she was frowning as well as he could feel eyes on them from across the room.

Eventually, Fizzy came into the room as well, kneeling in front of him, her hands on his knees much like Lottie had done.

"We're going to be here for you until you feel like you can stand on your own two feet." She murmured, trying to meet his gaze to convey her soothing message.

Louis wrapped one arm around Lottie and pulled Fizzy into an embrace, a few lone tears sliding down his already rosy cheeks. "I love the both of you. Very much. I know i'm not a great sub for mum but if you ever need anyone.."

Both girls nodded their understanding, offering him kisses on each of his cheeks, then leaving him to talk to the youngest children who were all watching with sad expressions as their brother cried.

"Oi, come here then." He said to Daisy and Phoebe, who both sat on a leg, one of their arms wrapping around his neck.

"Are you okay, Lou?" asked Daisy, frowning slightly.

"Yeah, are you okay because you're crying!" Phoebe piped up after her sister.

Louis let out a watery chuckle, his own arms wrapping around their waists, rubbing their sides to reassure them.

"I'm okay, girls. I'm just.. Well i'm really sad right now and its going to take a while for me to get back to normal but i'm trying really hard."

Phoebe laid her head on Louis' shoulder, a frown curling her lips downward. While Daisy matched her expression, she just stared at him as if he were going to give her all the answers and well really, how do you tell your younger twin sisters you actually tried to kill yourself without causing them harm?

"What happened to make you sad?" Daisy asked, a look of concentration on her face. She seemed almost as if she was trying to be another therapist to him and it amused him slightly but his thoughts were too dark to be honest about.

His tongue shot out to lick his lips, pushing a hand nervously through his slightly growing fringe and he decided now was as good a time as any.

"You remember Harry, right?"

Both girls nodded in the affirmative, Phoebe's head shooting up at the mention of his name and why wouldn't she? She always braided his hair when he was here with him. He lifted a hand to comb his fingers through her soft hair instead, hoping it might calm his nerves.

"Well, Harry and I aren't together anymore and that made me very sad. I did something stupid to try to deal with it and almost ended up getting really hurt. Now i'm just trying to help myself not be sad." 

While Daisy contemplated his response, her fingers drifting over her lips, and her brows furrowed, Phoebe sighed dramatically. A pout was formed out of her lips, the lower lip more pronounced.

"I'm never going to be able to braid his hair again, am I?" She spoke and she sounded genuinely saddened by the fact, even if she did know Harry had cut his hair.

"I'm sorry, love."

"Its okay. Did he hurt you?"

Phoebe's expression changed from deeply saddened to one of fierce protectiveness and his heart jolted, his stomach lurching with fondness for his sisters. Both of these girls, they still wanted to protect him with all they had even if he hadn't been the best brother since their mum died and even just in general. He was pretty sure they'd attack Harry if he ever said the boy had hurt him or broken him, even as much as they loved him. While most people don't try to kill themselves until they are broken, Harry had never intentionally hurt him.

"Yeah! We can kick him!" Daisy exclaimed, throwing her fist into the air.

Her response startled a hearty chuckle out of him, his head shaking. It felt weird and nice to be able to laugh. "Well, I am quite sad I don't have him but no he didn't hurt me, Daise. If he had I might have kicked him myself a few times."

He made a kicking motion with his feet, jostling the girls, and causing them to giggle.

"Alright, girls. I think its time we let Louis relax for a bit. Nearly time for bed anyway." Dan muttered, appearing in the doorway that lead off from the kitchen.

"Its okay, they're not bothering me." He tried to argue but the man gave him a stern look anyway and then gave the same look to the twins as he told them to go upstairs for a little while.

Louis knew better than to argue.

They both gave him kisses on the cheek then said their good nights, Ernest and Doris having already disappeared with Lottie and Fizzy to be put to bed. He waved the girls off, watching them bound up the stairs as his body sank back into the armchair he'd found himself in. 

"I'm really glad you're okay, Louis."

Louis turned his body back towards Dan who held a beer in his hand, sitting on the couch not too far away from where he was sitting

"Yeah, me too. Okay is a bit of a stretch right now but i'm alive. I think that's all anyone cares about at this point."

Dan nodded, opening his beer, taking a large sip of it. "Harry was a good lad. You both have had a hard life. Its not without its hardships. Your mum never quite expected the two of you to split. "

Louis' chest gave a particularly painful throb once more like it had earlier. Somehow he figured joining the subjects of Harry and his mum in one sentence wouldn't be as painful as it was but he was proved wrong. It almost made him wince with how much it hurt.

At least he'd sent a message of condolences when Robin passed and even had shown up to speak to Anne the day after his funeral. Robin was like a second father to him. He was there for the beginning of everything and that's probably what made him and Dan different. That's probably what made Louis miss him a lot more. Almost as much as his mum.

"Yeah he was great." Louis mumbled, his throat drying considerably, trying to swallow around the knot in his throat. 

"I just want you to have the time you need. I don't want to get this phone call again. You have no idea how worried I was about you."

He hated making people worry. He didn't want to be more of a problem to people than he usually was being that he was famous for lack of a better word. The fact that he'd made Dan worry made the guilt in him reach new levels. He had never really wanted that from any action that he'd carried out. Intentional or not.

Despite his initial desicion that he didn't want to kill himself, Louis was unclear at this point after much contemplation whether he actually wanted to. He was sure that he just wanted an escape. Sleep seemed like a viable option but seeing as how the sleeping pills were in the bathroom and he was extremely drunk, it wasn't coming easy. Essentially, he'd lost his mind and taken a lot more than expected and ended up passing out on the floor but he will be the first to admit that's the only time he'd ever felt okay. It was like a temporary vacation from the raging thoughts of Harry and just how much he'd fucked up. He had been teetering on the line between thinking Harry had finally found someone who actually deserved him and needing him to be in his life more than anything to keep him grounded.

"I'll get the time. I need time to myself to just step back and be normal for a while. I'm gonna meet up with Stan and Oli and a few others tomorrow."

He and Stan had had a falling out way before he and Harry had called it quits and he hadn't heard from him in a long time. Upon knowing he'd be going back to Doncaster and the fact that Stan sent him a card while he was in the facility, he figured maybe sorting things out wouldn't be a bad thing. 

He already knew Stan disliked Harry for hurting Louis this much even though it wasn't his fault so he thought maybe patching things up would be a lot easier than originally expected. Considering Stan had apologized for being a dick in his card, all that was left was for Louis to apologize for being a shit and forgetting about the fact that he had friends back home when One Direction took off. Which he really was. He either spent all his time with Harry, with Eleanor, or he was with Oli or some other famous person. He didn't really leave time for home friends.

Without Stan really, he wouldn't have had the confidence to go through with his X Factor audition which he still to this day cringed over whenever someone showed him as a reminder so he had that to thank him for.

"Well good, i'm glad you're getting out there again. Stan was a good kid from what i've heard too. Some sun will do you good as well."

Louis nodded with a small smile on his face and stood slowly, making his way upstairs to his old bedroom after bidding his step father goodnight. When he got up to the bedroom, he paused. His mum had left it practically the same as it was when he moved out. Despite having taken all his stuff, the room still looked full and lived in. He was almost convinced she came in here to spend time when she missed him.

He stripped his clothes off save for his navy blue boxer briefs, pulling the covers back, and getting into his bed. He buried himself under the covers and tried to ignore the fact that it was only 9:30 at night and he was crawling into bed as if he was forty years old. He arranged a pillow in front of him to wrap his arm around and bury his face into, feeling vaguely pathetic he still felt the need to do this and pretend it was Harry just to be able to fall asleep.

The last thoughts he had before he slipped into a deep slumber was that he would probably never be able to forget that name no matter what he did and that he probably would be sleeping alone for the rest of his life.

\---

The sun shone through the blinds in the morning, filling the room with an infernal light that annoyed Louis to no end. He cracked an eye open, realizing he forgot to shut his dark curtains last night, and cursing himself for it.

He let out a loud groan, pushing himself to sit up slowly, legs still buried underneath his green comforter which he tried to desperately ignore. His first thought of the morning wasn't going to be that the fabric sort of matched his ex boyfriend's eyes.

He stretched his limbs out, throwing the covers off his body. It was just then that he'd realized he was supposed to meet up with Stan today, which made him jump off the bed and towards his phone on the nightstand, switching it on. The phone exploded with text messages, ranging from 'Where are you?' to various expletives Stan was known for when he was angry. The time read 10 AM. He was an hour late.

The blue eyed male threw on a pair of grey track pants and a black tank, grabbing a sweater since the gloomy weather outside didn't exactly look promising. He grabbed his skateboard laying dormant in the corner of his room and rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen where Dan was currently fixing the girls breakfast.

"Are you planning on sitting down to a meal?" Dan asked, a brow raising as he noticed Louis' rushed appearance as he chugged a glass of orange juice.

"Sorry, i'm late for meeting Stanley, he's going to have my head. This was all about making things better and i'm making them worse." Louis hastily, putting the glass on the counter and giving each girl and Ernie a kiss on the head. "Ta!"

"You know, if I didn't know any better, i'd say he seems better already." Fizzy said, her expression showing her surprise, watching her brother rush out the door.

\-----

Louis was out of breath by the time he'd run over to where they'd arranged to meet up. It was a skate park they used to frequent as teenagers, usually he would be sitting on a ramp, or riding his bike around but since Zayn had taught him how to skateboard while on tour, he had chosen to do that instead.

He was drenched in sweat when he managed to fight the gate open, Stan standing in the middle of the park with Oli, chatting up a storm while a few other boys they didn't know rode around, doing tricks off ramps.

"See you've met." He said, panting heavily, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Nice to see you, finally." 

Stan gave him a stern look, his arms crossing over his chest. It made him feel like a child. A very guilty child. Oli just looked at him and shrugged, flashing him an apologetic look.

"Stan, i'm sorry, mate. I overslept."

"Yeah, yeah. I've been hearing excuses from you for years, Louis. I'm really tired of getting my hopes up only to fall flat on my face." Stan shook his head as he spoke, sighing shortly after.

The thing that made him sad the most was that Stan seemed genuinely distressed by the fact that he thought Louis wasn't coming, it hurt. It wasn't that he'd never wanted to see his best friend back home, it was that he was so busy trying to salvage his sanity and his relationship and career that he let everything slip up here.

"Stan.. i'm really sorry. Everything has been on fast forward for years.." Louis trailed off, letting his mouth sink into a frown, redirecting his gaze to the ground. "I've been such a flaky, shit friend. None of you deserved this, I have just been so stressed.."

Stan's expression softened a bit as he stared at him, his arms uncrossing. He moved forward, placing his hands on his shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly.

"Much as I want to hate you for being such a dick these past few years, we've known each other too long to just fall out like this. I still love you, asshole." He said, offering Louis a bright smile, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

Louis slapped the male's hand away from his hair, whining as his hair messed up despite the fifteen minutes he'd spent getting his fringe the way he wanted it. After they'd embraced, Stan leaned back, his eyes searching his face before he opened his mouth again.

"Are you alright?"

The question came out so gently it felt like Louis had never left. It felt like there had never been a rift between them and he was still that eighteen year old boy that had left everyone behind to try to make a dream he considered silly come true. The rest of the details that completed his life that day weren't important anymore. Not if he was expected to remain sane.

He also noticed Stanley was the first one who hadn't completely freaked out on him and asked why he'd done it which he was very grateful for. Going over it several times was about as therapeutic as going through it the first time. He flashed Oli an awkward smile and a wave over his best friend's shoulder as it seemed they'd completely forgotten about him for the time being.

"I'm fine, Stanley. I'm here. Things are hard but yeah. I'm here." All of a sudden he was wrapped up in two strong arms, his own wrapping around the male's frame in a hug.

"I still want to kick his ass, you know." Stan mumbled in his ear, pulling back to stare deep into his eyes. "He's a prick."

Louis choked out a laugh, a hand rubbing over his face slowly. He swallowed around the large, dry lump in his throat that always formed when someone even vaguely mentioned Harry and fought back the urge to crumple against the concrete and cry. 

"Can we just not talk about him now? I thought we were here to do something? What's with all this mushy shit?"

With his weak attempt to joke his way through, Stan shot him a sympathetic look with a slight turn of his mouth before directing his attention to Oli, his hand clapping down on Louis' shoulder. 

"This twat actually know how to use that skateboard or is he all talk? Reckon you'd know more than me."

"Oi! Listen Stanley.. " Louis yelled in mock offense, brows furrowing while Oli's head tipped backwards, a loud laugh spreading around them.

"He's fairly good, yeah."

Stan bent forward, picking up the skateboard discarded at Louis' feet, tossing the board at him. "Show me what you got then, _Tommo._ "

\----

They were at the skate park for a while, Stan catching him up on his life, including the fact that he was about to be a father, which caught him off guard enough to cause him to stumble and fall off his board. He shouldn't have been so surprised, seeing as how he and Stan were close to the same age and he was almost thirty with a son of his own. Or at least so it was made to look. 

They had abandoned the skate park soon after in favor of kicking a football around an old pitch he'd practiced on for hours upon hours when he was younger. He'd met Stan on this very pitch when he nailed him in the back of the head with his ball when he was a kid. The memory made him smile as he stared off into space, foot propped up on the ball.

"Oi! Louis! Are you gonna fire off the ball or am I going to have to steal it away, you twat?"

He flashed Stan a look, his mouth dropping open to answer him when he felt the ball slip from underneath his foot, almost causing him to fall face first onto the damp grass. Once he'd regained his balance, he realized Oli had stolen it from him and was running down towards Stan to try to score a goal. He prepared himself, taking a deep breath before taking off after him, yelling at him, shaking his fist over his head like a grumpy old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn.

When he finally caught up to Oli, he swiped the ball away, pushing him over onto the grass and kicking the ball just past his best friend's head, his arms shooting up over his head, letting out a loud whooping sound. He jumped around all over the grass, lifting his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

"You cheated!" Stan yelled, moving forward, hands resting on his hips as he scrutinized Louis.

Louis pretended to flick hair over his shoulder, strutting towards him with a bit more confidence than he'd previously had. "Now now, Stanley. Don't be a sore loser. I can't help that i'm amazing."

It was then that he heard it.

"Nice handling there, superstar." said a familiar, feminine voice from the sidelines.

When Louis noticed who had been standing there, he almost tripped over his own feet. "Han.. what are you doing here? I didn't expect you to-"

"I heard what happened and that you were staying 'round your mum's house so I thought maybe i would come see you." Hannah offered him a shy smile, tucking a strand of her now long, blonde hair behind her ear. "Haven't seen you in a very long time and Stan said something about coming to see you as well."

Louis nodded slowly, unable to speak. His eyes scanned her body and only just then did he notice she was pregnant. A lot of his memories had flown back into his mind at once and the first thing he felt he had to do was apologize. He did leave her for Harry during X Factor and all. Guilt flooded his body before he had even known what happened or had the good sense to speak.

"I'm sorry.. for everything. Don't suppose that's mine then." He said, nodding down at her stomach. She looked to be almost six months.

Hannah laughed, which made Louis smile, and shook her head slowly. "Nope, not yours. Reckon its that imbecile's little one."

"Wait.. you're with Stan?"

And really it made sense. Stan and Hannah had always been close, he was the one to get their asses into gear and get them dating. He'd always looked a bit disappointed while they were dating and he never really questioned it. He supposed being gone for almost six years, he couldn't say anything. It was still a shock that the child he'd been talking about the whole time had been with his ex though. Didn't that break some sort of bro code?

"Yeah." she mumbled, her face flushing slightly as she stared at the ground. "It just kind of happened."

He winced. That was the same excuse he'd fed her when he broke up with her on the phone. He told her that he'd met someone and when he confirmed it was Harry as per her suspicions from the way they were acting when she met him, that was all he could say. It was hard for him, not being able to be everything she deserved. Before X Factor, he'd wanted to marry Hannah. Have kids and a normal life. The whole nine. When he met a curvy little sixteen year old with curls and dimples, his life turned upside down. After that it felt like he'd really been gay his whole life and boy was it a revelation. An unexpected one. One he'd quite the hard time accepting. He thought he was happy with life before then. Turns out it was only after him that the happiness felt real.

"Suppose I can't talk but as long as he treats you right!" He bellowed, loud enough for Stan to hear and give him a thumbs up and a smile. It made him grin as well. "I guess its alright. Have to make an honest woman out of you now, though. I get to be best man."

When he looked back up at the blonde, she was frowning, studying his face. His face fell immediately. She was doing what everyone else had done since his release. Trying to figure out why he had done what he had. Whether he was actually happy right now or putting on a show like he used to do when he would get upset. Like they were trying to delve into his memories to see what he had and felt what he had the night he passed out on that cold tile floor.

"I never thought you could ever do something like that. You've always been so happy." Hannah said, breaking the heavy silence between them, her teeth wearing on her lower lip.

Louis frowned further, staring at his feet. He hated this part. Everyone sounded so disappointed in him for it. Of course, he knew better but some part of him could still pinpoint the hint of it in each person's voice. "Things change when you feel like your heart is being ripped by a shredder." His voice was barely above a whisper, his cheeks feeling as if they were heating up gradually. "I'm sorry."

"I was worried about you. You two seemed so happy and to hear all this was a shock. Especially after your mum."

He sighed, pushing fingers through his messy brunette hair. "I know. I went down a dark hole I couldn't get out of. Think that's why he left but he's got better now so I just have to cope with the fact that i'm going to be alone forever."

The girl shook her head vigorously, almost as if she was determined to prove him wrong on that aspect. Like she was confident in the fact that he wouldn't. Really that's what he loved about her, her unending optimism.

"I will. I don't want anyone else, that's why." Louis wrapped his arms around himself, his gaze not lifting from its point on the ground. He was too ashamed of his patheticness to look her in the eyes, really.

"Lou, you sell yourself short. You think Nick Grimshaw is better than you. Why? Because he's been out from the off? I can promise you that Harry didn't end up with him purely because of that or because he knew it'd bother you most. He's just been there the longest. You have to remind him why he fell in love with you."

Louis exhaled shakily, his eyes welling up with tears. "I can't anymore, Hannah. I don't have the strength. At any point I feel as if i'll snap in half."

She moved forward, pulling him into a tight embrace despite the bump of her stomach separating them. For a moment, he let himself fall into familiarity. To fall into old memories. With the bad, there were a lot of good too and the contact made him melt. There was no way he was stable at the moment and he needed every sense of the word stability he could find while he was out on his own. He couldn't impose on Dan and the girls forever.

"You better not be trying to move in on Han again, boy. I will beat you up." Stan mumbled, a smile on his face as he approached them with Oli. "Believe you know that girl, Lou."

He nodded up towards the stands and there was a tall girl in a long, black coat watching them. Louis recognized her right away. It was Gemma. Anne had probably sent her to check on him after news of his release hit the papers. She'd lost a best friend and a husband, she didn't want to lose another person who was important to her and he got it. Really, he did.

Louis hugged Hannah and Stan and told Oli he'd see him soon, jogging his way across the field with a light crunch of the dewy grass underneath his feet. He had no idea why his heart was beating faster. Why he could hear it in his ears like a freight train. It was only Gemma but he figured, part of Harry. Part of pain.

"Hey trouble. How'd you manage to find your way all the way here?" He said, bright smile replacing his gloomy demeanor, climbing the stairs and joining her on the bench.

"A nice, long trip just for you. Wanted to see how things were and to tell you i'm sorry i'm related to an idiot."

Gemma had always supported his and Harry's relationship from the beginning. She kept a sound mind and protected them when necessary and usually when they fought, she stayed neutral, claiming she loved both of them too much to pick sides and if Harry couldn't deal with that, he should shove it up his bum. He loved having Harry's family despite all their drama. Besides his own family, Harry's mum's house was the only other place he felt comfortable. Felt like he was home.

Louis chuckled, though it came out a bit strained, crossing his legs, and resting his nervous hands on his lap. "Gem, he had every right to dump me. I was acting horribly, getting drunk every time he left. I don't blame him, honestly."

Gemma exhaled heavily, her own head shaking back and forth much like Hannah's had before. "Louis, you were mourning the death of your mother. His spending time away from you didn't help. He should have been there for you. He's talented enough to have a career after the fact."

"I would never make him give up his career solely to take care of me. I should have dealt with it in a much better way."

The dark haired girl lifted her hand, resting it on his shoulder much like Harry would have. Her lips pursed, brows furrowing. She seemed stunned he'd try to defend Harry and mildly frustrated he actually thought something like that. "Louis, if you get to the point in this where you try to kill yourself, there was no better way to deal with anything than to have him with you."

"Gemma.." He started, sighing once more, his face burying in his hands. "I didn't try to kill myself until after he left. I knew I had fucked everything up and at that point, I wanted to sleep and never wake up because that sounded better than existing without him. I still don't blame him though."

"Nick is a twat, Louis. So as far as Harry doing better, he didn't. I'm not sure how you got so low in your self esteem but my brother is indeed an idiot. He could have solved this and he ran and i've had this conversation with him." Louis' ears perked up at that, slightly hopeful. "He doesn't seem to comprehend it though. Nick's got him so fucked up. I don't even know why they're getting married. I really don't think Harry even loves him."

Louis turned his palms down, wiping his sweaty hands on his sweatpants. "Do you really think he'd get married if he didn't want to, though? He's not that type."

Gemma paused, taking a moment to consider what he'd said before she answered. "I think that Harry is convincing himself he loves Nick because its easier than facing life without you. I have supported him through many things, Louis but this is ridiculous. The fact that he would subject you to this and himself to a doomed marriage. I'm a bit shocked."

"You don't know they'll be doomed, they could be just fine."

Gemma raised her eyebrow and her gaze suggested she was looking at him as if he had two heads. "I know my brother, dear Louis. The only one he has ever felt one hundred percent in love with is you. I've been around him and Nick. Its like a relationship of convenience if anything. Nick is familiar. Its easier than trying to start over."

The male exhaled slowly, heavily, pushing his hand through his disheveled hair for what felt like the thousandth time today. "And what do you want me to do, Gemma?"

"Go talk to him. Its going to be the best thing for both of you."

It was easier said than done. That meant standing in front of the boy who he'd pushed away with his behavior. Dealing with everything that happened as he tried to look into those emerald eyes and try to either not crumple apart or make his life harder. He didn't trust himself to stay sane after seeing him anyway.

"I really don't know about that, Gem. I'm barely keeping it together as it is."

She rested her hand on his knee, shooting him a sympathetic look. "Look, I get it. Things have been hard and you're in a really shit place but you two need to talk. Maybe it can save everything."

\----

That conversation with Gemma would be how and why he found himself back in London on the night of Harry and Nick's engagement party. The weather was as gloomy as it usually was but there seemed to be undertones in it that made it feel like it was gloomy only because of him. Like he'd brought more clouds and sadness to this bustling city that hung overhead and constantly reminded him that this was his life now if he was going to be here. In short, it was hell.

He exited the cab that had taken him, tossing a few bills at the driver, certainly more than he needed to but the traffic had been horrible and he felt bad. He looked up at the large, looming white house that had been his (and Harry's) for years. He hesitated for a while, his gaze shifting from the house to the wet cement as he chewed on his lip, wondering if he really could handle this on his own. He could call Niall or Liam, surely they were in town. Liam would probably be at the studio trying to record or write for his album. Niall would always come when he called.

Eventually, he sighed and shook his head, moving forward up the drive and to the front door. He had to do this himself. Luckily, with all his stuff in Doncaster still, the spare key was still underneath the pot of flowers they'd designated as the extra key spot. There was a trace of yellow police tape on his patio and he wasn't sure why but he figured it had something to do with him. He couldn't really remember what had happened that night and he never dared ask Liam about it for fear of upsetting him. That and he just plain didn't want to know about what happened on the worst night of his life. He was too embarrassed.

Louis stood in the doorway, memories flooding his head of a bright eyed, seventeen year old Harry drifting through the door to wrap himself around him, kissing his neck and cheek with a big smile, dimples creating craters in his face. He hadn't been here more than five minutes and his chest already was constricting with pain and something else he couldn't place. He felt like he was mourning another death with the way he felt here. Like Harry had died and left him behind and they had filled every space of this house so well that you couldn't go without feeling or remembering something.

He swallowed hard, pushing himself forward, dropping the key on a mahogany back table behind the couch, simply scanning his eyes over the living room and the kitchen that lay just to the side of him. Somehow being here was more painful now that he'd gotten out of his stay in the hospital than it was when he'd gone in. He felt so much more weighed down, his shoulders actually drooping with how heavy it felt like everything he felt made his limbs, his entire body. Maybe it was the fact that he was forced to confront everything that had happened there and now being in _the_ house made everything all the more real. That night he had gone into the hospital, he couldn't remember anything. Everything he was told felt like something that had happened to someone else. It was easy to forget just how depressed he was. But really as if he needed anything to feel any more real. It was real enough to tempt him into thoughts of trying again.

Louis made his way through the hall and up the stairs that lead to the bedroom he used to share. _No._ The bedroom he slept in alone now. He exhaled shakily, his tongue darting out to run over his lips. Numbly, he sat on the bed, his palms flat on his jean covered thighs as he scanned the room. He'd never taken down the photos of him and Harry that hung all over their bedroom out of pride, some from the X Factor days and some newer. Stuff they'd never gotten to post because their management didn't believe in gay boybanders. Or even more, gay solo artists. As if Lance Bass and Elton John never existed. His chest gave another dull throb but instead of pain, it was just pressure deep in his chest cavity. He was reaching the stage of depression where he was so sad and hurt he couldn't feel anything. That was always fun. Or it could have been a heart attack. He'd prefer the first option, to be honest.

After a few more moments, he stood, slowly but surely making his way into the bathroom. He paused in the doorway. The bottle that he'd taken the sleeping pills from was still on the floor near the door a month and a couple weeks later. Funny no one decided to pick that up. Louis leaned forward, plucking it off the cold, black tile of the bathroom floor, holding it up, and reading the label. They were prescribed to Harry, of course. Sudden anger filled his gut and he turned and launched the pill bottle at the window, the clank of the plastic against glass feeling rather unsatisfying. Breaking the glass would have felt better. Breaking anything would. _Breaking something like he broke me._

He knew this was a good idea, in theory. That talking to Harry might give him some sense of closure. It might make him feel better. Gemma always was logical in her way of thinking and like his mum, she was usually right. Of course, there was the side of him that knew if he saw Harry again, he'd be drawn into the boy's magnetic pull and it would only be that much harder to try to forget him again. Not that it was much of a possibility as of right now. Maybe with a few years. Or ten.

Either way, he slowly pulled on an all black suit, deciding to leave the top button undone because he didn't have the patience to mess with it anymore. As he was getting his suit on, messing with all the buttons, he was reminded of an interaction Johnny Cash had had with someone in the movie about his life that Niall had made him watch once. When asked what was with the black suit he was wearing and being told it looked like he was going to a funeral, he replied with a simplistic "Maybe I am." Louis had never related more to someone he'd barely known more than he did then. It did feel like he was going to one for the death of his happiness. The death of the relationship that gave him everything. Of course, it had ended long before but this was the final nail in the coffin. Harry was getting married to Nick and that was it. There was no more LouisandHarry.

Louis surveyed himself in the mirror for a while. He looked dead inside and wasn't that just the truth. He felt annoyingly morbid but it was all he could feel or.. not feel. He styled his hair into a quiff to actually make an effort with his appearance, not that it erased the bags underneath his eyes or the frown lines that had started in his forehead. He didn't know why he was trying at all anymore but he figured people still knew him so why give them more of a reason to worry or post shit articles?

Once he'd gotten on his shoes, he stepped out into the gloomy London air. He pulled up directions to wherever this party was on his phone and hailed a cab to the best of his ability. After he'd given the address to the driver, he was on his way, palms beginning to sweat, and chest tightening once again with growing anxiety.

Standing outside the large, looming building that contained what he could only guess were a bunch of hipsters and fabulous celebrities Nick had interviewed celebrating the love of his life getting married to someone else, he realized just how bad of an idea this would probably be. The only reason he could site for it being a bad idea would be that it would completely destroy what little mental health he'd had built since leaving the hospital. Was closure really worth it?

Despite that question, his feet moved him forward, pulling open the heavy gold door with glass windows, and stepping into the open space he assumed was the coat room. He walked on through before he lost his nerve, stepping into a room filled with people. Most of them probably were there for Harry as he couldn't see Nick having many fans but then again, that might just be his personal opinion clouding his judgement.

He headed straight to the bar, ordering straight vodka because he was pretty sure he'd need something strong, and then he turned, leaning back against the bar to survey the room. He saw a lot of people that he'd met when he'd been dating Harry but was too scared to socialize with because they were no doubt on the younger boy's side. That was another shitty part of their break up. He liked a lot of Harry's friends and now that they had broken up, he was intimidated. He wasn't sure what the hell Harry would have said to them. They could hate him now. They could completely despise him for putting him through so much. It was just way too nerve wracking to be here.

As he tried to navigate through the crowd, anxiety continuing to pull at his chest, he heard his name and froze.

"Louis Tomlinson, as I live and breathe."

He knew who it was, he knew that smarmy voice all too well. He really didn't want to turn around but of course his body had been doing all sorts of things to betray him lately, so he did. When he made eye contact with Nick, he nodded.

"Nicholas." He simply stated, crossing his arms self consciously. He wasn't sure when it became a truth that Nick made him feel a little less confident but he could definitely feel it now.

"Just Nick is okay, Louis. What brings you 'round? Figured you were spending all your time alone these days." Nick smirked, swirling wine around in a wine glass, as if it made him look that much cooler.

"I just saw a big, pretentious party and figured i'd check it out. Figures it would be something you're hosting." Louis fidgeted, hoping Nick wouldn't pick up on his nerves, clearing his throat after taking a rather large sip of his vodka. His attitude always worked to hide his real emotions.

Nick's jaw clenched slightly but he still had a smile on his face, one of those smug ones he'd love to punch off. He nodded as if he was impressed Louis could still trade quips as quickly as he used to while taking another gulp of his wine.

"He's not here." Was all the male said but it felt like a punch in the gut to him. His gaze lifted from where it had been trained on Nick's shoes, meeting his eyes. "I know that's why you came. He's still recording bits of his album but he told me to go on and have the party anyway. That he'd try to make it later. He's in the studio in London."

Louis' gaze dropped once more, tongue darting out to wet his lips. When Nick moved forward to rest his hand on his shoulder, he backed up, not wanting to be touched or pitied. That wasn't the Nick Grimshaw way. He'd always given him shit when he was dating Harry and he rather liked it though he never really admitted it to his boyfriend at the time. Harry was convinced he and Nick hated each other with a passion but they'd built up a sort of acquaintanceship that some levels of civility to it. Coupled with some good natured ribbing of course. It meant he wouldn't treat Louis like glass like everyone else. There was some stage of normalcy. Of course, that wasn't to say he wasn't feeling a bit defensive since Nick was now marrying his ex.

However, knowing Harry was in the same place as him, that he still existed and wasn't a figment of his imagination late at night anymore made his heart give that all too familiar throb. He also considered Liam was probably there speaking to him as well. It made him felt a lot worse for some reason. He must have made his pain evident on his face, let the facade crumble too much because his tone softened when he spoke again.

"He misses you, you know. He hasn't said as much but I can see it in his eyes. He felt absolutely horrible when he heard you'd been admitted to the hospital. Blamed himself." He moved closer and although Louis felt like he should take another step backwards, he didn't instead, he kept quiet, letting Nick continue on. "He still cares about you."

Louis stayed silent for a couple more minutes, trying to gather his thoughts with the information Nick had provided him. He wasn't sure why but he figured Harry had completely forgotten his existence. That he didn't care about what happened because he chased the boy away. He figured he was relieved to get away and be with someone who wasn't nearly as screwed up as him. Nick was everything that he wasn't. He was stable, happy, successful, and could provide Harry the best life. They could be out and proud with everything going for them while he had lost his way through all the bullshit and didn't even know who he was anymore.

"Its not his fault." His voice was strained as he spoke. He could feel the prickle of tears in his eyes but he refused to let himself fall apart in public. "I didn't do it because of him. I just couldn't keep going anymore."

"Are you okay, though? As much as we aren't total friends, I feel the need to ask because you look like shit, love." Nick shifted from one shiny, Italian shoe to another from what he could see, his hand finally coming to rest hesitantly on his shoulder, squeezing it.

When Louis finally found the strength to look up at the other male, all he could read on his face was concern. For all the shitty things Nick had pulled on him in his life, this is the one time he seemed to be a hundred percent genuine. It sort of warmed his heart to know someone other than the usual people cared, even if he didn't want him to change how he acted towards him.

A chuckle pushed its way through Louis' body and exited his mouth with a heaviness to it that was a little more worrying to him than normal. In the center of his chest had bloomed a dull ache. One that didn't show a sign of easing this time. "I'm... alive. I figure that's about the best I can do right now. One day at a time."

"I know i'd probably be the last one you'd ask but if you ever need anything.." Nick trailed off, his free hand gesturing his point as he found he couldn't finish his sentence as he saw the pained look on Louis' face.

Louis nodded and turned away, intent on leaving but something made him pause. An idea had sprung up in his head and he figured it needed to done sooner or later. He turned back to Nick, moving towards him slowly, trying to get his thoughts in order, ignoring the pang of pain. "Actually, I want to do an interview. Tomorrow. With you."

Nick scoffed, then swallowed hard, adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "An interview with me? Are you crazy?"

"You're the only one that won't treat me like i'm gonna break at any minute, which i'm expecting. I want you to treat me like you've always treated me. I don't want sympathy. I want good, old fashioned, smug, shithead Nick Grimshaw."

Nick's mouth opened and closed a few times, his facial expression a mix of surprise and consideration. He looked like a confused deer caught in headlights and it made Louis raise an eyebrow in amusement. It was rare he'd ever seen this man struggle for words.

"Okay. I'll do it. Harry will probably yell at me about it but i'll do it."

"Thanks." Louis responded, short but sweet, and he turned away, completely ready to leave but once again, he paused. The word came out in tone just above a whisper. "Congrats." Nick offered him a smile and nodded, then disappeared as quick as he'd come into the crowd of suits and gowns swarming the room.

Even though he hadn't gotten a single chance to speak to Harry, he felt like he'd taken a giant step forward and that was good enough for him. He let out a breath he was unaware he'd been holding in, the constriction in his chest loosening a considerable bit.

Louis took a cab back to the house that night, against his own better judgement and the advice of others, explaining to Dan that he was staying with Stan instead of telling him the truth. He knew how the man worried and as much as he appreciated it all, he needed a break from the constant observation. The ongoing concern for his mental and physical health. He was still alive and didn't plan on trying something again so he didn't see the harm and with him here, he was closer to the studio where Nick would be interviewing him.

Honestly, he was debating in his mind the whole drive back whether he'd actually done the right thing, asking the man to interview him, but he figured he needed to get the story straight. Not only for himself but for the fans and of course Harry who'd been blaming himself apparently the entire time he had been in the hospital. He needed the boy to know it wasn't his fault, that he didn't compell him to try this. It was his own idiotic desicions.

Louis couldn't live with the idea that Harry placed any semblance of blame on himself for his attempt. It was too heavy a weight and even if Nick hadn't let him know the boy missed him, he still wouldn't allow him to feel guilty just because he couldn't hold himself together. That wasn't his responsibility anymore. Along with their relationship, their friendship had gone with it, and understandably so. He didn't imagine this would be easier trying to be Harry's friend. Eventually jealousy would fuck everything up anyway.

\--------

When he returned home, Liam and Niall were standing at his front door, both of them leaning against the house, seemingly waiting for him. He exited the cab, paying the driver generously, and waved at the boys as he sauntered closer.

"Evening, lads." He said, unlocking the door, and kicking it open, letting it stay open so as to offer them entrance.

"When Dan said you were staying at Stan's but there were pap photos of you in London, we decided to come see you." Liam said, walking into the house, trailing Louis, Niall following him. "You know he'd worry about you if he knew you were here."

"That, my dear Lima, is why I did not tell him."

"Do you understand how worried you made everyone? How sad everyone was and you're choosing to lie to people? For what, Louis? Privacy?" The brown eyed male asked, his tone becoming one of frustration. 

Niall stared between the both of them and when Louis' brow raised and he spared him a glance, the irishman shrugged apologetically, as if it was to make up for the fact Liam was acting irrationally at the moment. Or at least, so he thought.

"I'm not a child, Liam. I am almost thirty years old as much as I don't want to be. I am tired of everyone trying to infantilize me just because I tried to kill myself. I need to heal my own way." Louis spoke, unapologetically blunt. As much as he cared about Liam and hurting him, he couldn't find it in him to be sensitive given he felt completely emotionally drained.

"Do you understand how hard it was to see you on the floor of your bathroom like you were?" Liam asked, a clear strain in his voice, and it made him pause as he was heading to the kitchen. "You looked dead, Louis. Dead. And I thought-" He cut himself off, lifting his fist to his mouth to cough. Louis knew he was on the verge of crying and it made him feel guilty.

Louis turned, facing Liam, lifting his hand to push his fingers through his dishevelled hair. "Li.." He began, not quite sure how to proceed. And really how did you approach the subject of one of your best mates finding you ODing on the bathroom floor? "I'm sorry but this is hard for me too. I know you're all worried and its been hard but everyone looks at me differently now. They treat me like they're handling a glass figurine and I don't want that anymore. I hate it. Yes, I am fragile at times. Yes this fucking sucks, I don't know if I am going to love anyone ever again but I am repairing myself slowly. I need people to treat me as normal for that to happen."

"He's right, Liam." Niall said, breaking the long stretching silence for the first time since he'd stepped foot in the house. "This is how he's going to rebuild his strength emotionally. Everyone worrying and keeping him in a plastic bubble isn't going to help."

Louis offered him a gentle smile, one of very few genuine smiles that had appeared on his face in a while, and Niall returned it just as genuinely. He was glad through all of this, he had Niall. He was always seeing Louis' side, even if no one else could, in absolutely every situation. He was the one person he knew would understand if Liam didn't. Liam sighed from his place where he had migrated in the middle of them both, a hand rubbing over his face.

"I'm sorry, Louis. You're right. You both are. You need to do this your own way, its important."

Louis moved forward, standing in front of Liam, resting his hands on the male's shoulders. "Look, I never fully apologized for putting you in that position. I really didn't. I'm sorry, Liam. I am so sorry." He felt his chest clench with emotion, but he cleared his throat and continued. "I can't imagine the things you must have felt when you found me but I promise you that you will never have to feel those things again."

Liam nodded and he decided that it was good enough an acceptance for now. Maybe Liam had to process and heal in his own way as well and he would never take away his opportunity for that. At that, Niall clapped his hands together. "Well now that all that is taken care of, how about a boy's night? We can watch movies, shit TV, and order in. We haven't had a proper one in ages. Sure there's only three of us but its better than nothing."

"Yeah that sounds great, Niall but i've got to get up early tomorrow to go to an interview so not so late, yeah?" Louis spoke, grabbing the take out menus from the drawer he and Harry had designated for them years ago. They were wrinkled and weathered down by now but they still worked nevertheless. Plopping them on the table, his lifted gaze was met by twin puzzled looks. "What?"

"You've an interview? We didn't hear of anything scheduled and its not like we have anything for the band anymore." said Liam, grabbing the menus to sift through. "What shall we get?"

"I'm going on live in the morning with Grimshaw and I vote chinese. Niall?"

Niall scoffed in disbelief instead of answering him, crossing his arms over his stomach. "Are you kidding? You're being interviewed by Nick? Isn't that a little counterproductive to your healing? I mean he's marrying Harry."

"Thank you Niall, i'd forgotten all about that." He retorted, rolling his eyes, his focus remaining on the old menus a stark contrast against the black marble of the kitchen counter.

"Why would you put yourself through that?" Niall asked, no doubt mirroring Liam's exact thoughts as he hummed in agreement with the inquiry. His voice however shook a bit with worry (which Louis could pinpoint easily) as he continued. "Just get chinese and indian food."

Louis nodded, picking up the phone, and ordered enough for a small army. He knew Niall had a large appetite still if any of their dinners out had shown him so he didn't want to chance them running out of food and maybe he'd have leftovers so he wouldn't have to leave his house for a few days after his interview. No doubt he'd want to bury himself in the blankets of his bed and never get out but it was handy to have food at the ready as well.

Once he finished the order, he hung up, and placed both palms against the counter, leaning against it. "I am doing this because tonight I went to their engagement party. I talked to Nick and he said that Harry has been blaming himself for the things I did for a while." He huffed out a breath, walking around the small island and towards his friends. "Along with setting the story straight for the public, I am not going to let Harry feel bad for something that's not his fault. Consider it my closure and his wedding present." The male shrugged and walked towards the living room, grabbing the remote, then plopping on the couch.

Niall and Liam shared a look before they turned and walked into the living room to join him, sitting on either side of him. Louis noticed they were acting a lot less cautious and a lot more the boys he had spent multiple years with crammed in hotel rooms and buses with. The boys he ventured with up on stage and sang his heart out with. The ones that treated him like he was nothing short of what he truly was to them. Family.

After their food had gotten there, they had pigged out and watched the many Avenger movies. Liam wouldn't let them watch anything else and Louis was completely fine with that as long as he didn't sit there mouthing every single word. Even warned him that he would have an eggroll flinged at his face if he so much as uttered one word that matched the lips of any of the characters. Niall stretched out along the couch between them, his head in Louis' lap and feet in Liam's, chomping on his indian food which it turns out he was the only one in the mood for it so he got to eat it all himself. Of course he was completely content with not having to share. It was nice, being there with them. Being normal. No where near what their gatherings used to be but he tried not to delve that deep into his memory.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed from its spot on the arm of the couch, on vibrate because Liam complained that movie nights should be the same as being in a theater. No interruptions. Louis picked it up and the notification was for a text message but once he opened it, he nearly dropped his phone.

 **Hazza** : _Nick told me you stopped by. Sorry I missed you. Hope you're doing well .xx_

It was simple. A small outreach of communication, yet all his insides were twisting. His heart was simultaneously pounding and aching and he tried to maintain his breathing so as to not alarm Niall and Liam. He could handle this. Really he could. it was only Harry. It had been ages. Sure he was still in love with the kid but there was nothing that could be done in that aspect. They didn't have a friendship either but this gave him a sliver of hope. The only problem with establishing their friendship again would be that he would have to accept and constantly deal with the knowledge that Harry was going home to someone else and not just someone else. Nick Grimshaw.

Objectively, there was nothing wrong with that. He even had a little bit of respect for Nick after their encounter at the party because honestly, he didn't have to tell him that Harry missed him. He didn't need to say all those things. It would be easy to be the possessive, protective dickhead fiancé but he wasn't. He wasn't sure if he should like that quality because the boy he loved didn't deserve to deal with someone like that or despise him for it because if he was like that maybe Harry would come back to him. That was unreasonable though.

"Hey. You alright?" Asked Niall, his clear blue gaze focusing up at him from his head's place in Louis' lap, concern etched upon his features. Clearly he wasn't as good at hiding his reaction as he thought.

"Yeah, Nialler. I'm great." Louis offered him a smile, pushing his fingers through the unruly brown hair on top of the male's head, ruffling it. "I just got a weird message but its all good."

"Are you sure its good?" Liam chimed in, looking over at him, his own look of concern on his face. "Who was it?"

Thinking it was best to keep the fact that Harry had texted him to himself to spare himself even more concerned glances and tiptoeing around eggshells, Louis shrugged. "It was just Lottie. It didn't make much sense so she must be texting while tired or at a party or something. It'll be fine, I will call her tomorrow morning."

Both boys dropped the subject and paid their attention back to the movie playing on the TV. When it was over, Liam was half asleep and Niall was fully asleep, the clock on the end table reading 3:40 am. He set Liam up in the guest room, deciding to let Niall sleep on the couch where he laid and then made his way into his own bedroom, stripping his clothes off, too tired to analyze all the thoughts his head could conjure up about the memories he had of laying in this bed, waking up in it, and spending all the other time he'd spent in it.

He drifted off into his fitful slumber with thoughts of the interview to come plaguing his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN: As much as I didn't want to cut it off THERE, it felt like a good place to end things.
> 
> You'll have more of an insight into everything in the next chapter.
> 
> Thank you to all who give this a chance, I know the beginning is a little slowish. But don't be afraid to leave a comment & thank you if you do.
> 
> xoxo


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ive been working on this chapter off and on for a LONG while, thank you for being patient!! I sort of have problems putting plots together because most of the stories I write are just ideas off the top of my head. 
> 
> Like i've said. I'm not good at planning.
> 
> Let's pretend the way I set up the radio show was accurate. in all reality i've never actually listened to one of Nick's shows. I have no idea how the radio business works. Crazy I know!
> 
>    
> Enjoy. xo

Harry sat in the windowsill of the window that overlooked the vast expanse of London, hugging his knees as he stared out at the gloomy, dark sky that stretched above the city. He found himself unable to sleep after he'd gotten home from putting the finishing touches on his album in the studio. It had been long after the last of their party guests had disappeared and Nick was cleaning up the ballroom with a couple of their friends who had volunteered to stay behind and clean even if they were wearing gucci dresses and suits they didn't want to get dirty.

Once they'd finished, he'd helped Nick carry the gifts out to a car, and then they'd come home. They had their own little party in the form of strawberries, wine, and shitty reality television with random kisses and soft touches before they retired to bed. Or rather, he'd gone to bed and Harry had slept maybe ten minutes and then woke up, getting up out of bed to sit and stare out at the moon through the beautiful bay window that covered the front wall of their loft bedroom.

Hearing that Louis had made an appearance at their engagement party, no doubt to speak to him, was fucking him up a lot more than he'd cared to admit.

When they had first broken up, he heard news that Louis' drinking and drug use was reaching worrying limits from both his family and people that spent most of their time around him. Of course it made him worry. Their break up may have been messy, it may have lead to them not speaking to each other but he still cared about Louis. He was pretty sure it only got worse when the news of his and Nick's relationship hit papers.

It was crazy, really. He didn't even intend on forming a relationship with Nick but spending all his time at the male's house after their relationship ended, things just started to build until one night they had kissed and then they'd hooked up. Originally, he was going to leave it as it was. A one night stand between two friends that was really a coping mechanism for a years long romance ending. A relationship he really wanted to work out, but as they talked about it, it turned out it was a lot more than that. At least on Nick's side at first. Harry was mostly uncomfortable with the idea of potentially dating one of his friends again but after a date or two with him, he realized it wasn't as bad as he was making it out to be.

Harry didn't feel all the things for Nick that he felt for Louis, that much was quite plain to anyone that was around them long enough. He often got lectures from his family and friends about how he and Nick didn't fit at all and probably shouldn't be together but they had no say in what he did with his life. He wouldn't let anyone do that to him. He deserved love.

The honest truth was, he and Louis had just clicked from the moment they met in the X Factor bathroom. Stumbling, blushing teenagers who had no idea what they were doing in their lives and with each other. When they were put in the band, it felt like fate. Like he'd met someone special and the world was hellbent on keeping him in his life. When they finally had gotten together, after much struggle with Louis coming to terms with his sexuality, it felt like every single puzzle piece had fallen into place. Until there were people who were constantly trying to keep them apart.

He'd be lying if he said the majority of the reason for their break up wasn't because of management's need to control them and the constant barrage of girls that came in and out of their lives in attempt to make them seem like the perfect, straight pop idols. The baby with Briana had been just the thing to crack them in half. The fact that he wasn't even told by anyone before seeing the story in the papers made him feel betrayed and very hurt. The fact that Louis could get some nameless hairstylist pregnant but they couldn't have a child of their own in the public eye because the people running their careers figured their relationship might damage everything was a little out of the realm of his understanding at that point.

With the death of Louis' mother, that was the last nail in their relationship's coffin. He was unable to attend because of a pressing engagement his people refused to let him skip out on to be able to be there and after that, it was like Louis had changed. When he wasn't drunk, he was high. He looked at Harry with disdain at certain moments and barely acknowledged him at other times. That's when he started spending all his time at the studio, throwing himself into his work. In hindsight, it was probably the wrong course of action to take when your boyfriend was mourning the loss of his mother and therefore acting out, but it was all he could do to keep himself from losing his mind. He hated seeing Louis like that. He hated what their relationship had become but he didn't want to let it go.

Eventually, he'd gotten the courage to end it. Louis had showed absolutely no signs of improving himself but he had still tried like hell to keep their relationship afloat and telling him he couldn't do it anymore and that he needed to leave broke his heart. He could see the pain etched into Louis' face and it made him feel like utter shit. The last person he ever wanted to see in pain was the one person he'd fallen in love faster than you could say oops. But he'd been in pain for a while and it was clear his presence wasn't helping things. Of course, that was unfair because even he could admit instead of trying to help, he decided to dodge things. So maybe he only had himself to blame.

After all the mess with Nick had been sorted and they were finally a proper couple, his management gave him the opportunity to be an out and proud gay man. He will admit, it felt like a slap in the face. For him as well as Louis. It was like they would have done anything to prevent them as an out couple and really what was so bad about him and Louis in the first place? Of course, with Nick out already, they knew if he started spending lots of time with him, people would start talking so they had no choice and that's when they decided to begin the coming out process. It took a few weeks but when he was finally out, it felt a little anticlimactic. Sure, it felt good to have freedom but he didn't feel relieved at all.

He and Nick were vaguely well received as a couple. There had been a following of people who shipped them and there were always the people who were just happy if he was happy, which he was for the most part. It was just an easy life to sink into and to most people that sounded like settling but to him it was just attempting to be happy where he could be happy. Of course, the proposal a month later had shocked him quite a bit and while he was initially hesitant, he said yes. His sister had given him shit for that, saying he was entering into a doomed marriage.

When he had heard Louis had gone into the hospital for a suicide attempt, he had been having dinner with Nick, and the breaking news report had come up on the telly rather suddenly. He felt sick to his stomach after it all. He'd been out partying, practically had to be carried home, and then tried to commit by overdosing on sleeping pills. No doubt the same ones he'd left behind in the house they'd shared before they had broken up. That fact alone is what began his feelings of responsibility for it all. Add to the fact that many of the rumors were he had done it because he'd learned of his and Nick's engagement that very same day and was trying to cope as best he could. He couldn't help feeling like he could have tried harder to help him before he just gave up on them as a whole. All his late nights at the studio, the concerts that extended into after parties, the friend outings they all added extra pressure until he just left and then pushed him over the edge with his actions. His selfish need for love.

Really, he knew that blaming himself for Louis' attempt was ridiculous. That no matter what had happened, he didn't exactly force his hand. He didn't make the man go into the bathroom or swallow all those pills but he still felt his chest tighten when he thought about it anyway. He just felt like there was more he could have done or said after the fact to ease the blow of the news of his relationship and engagement.

The sound of Nick's cell phone alarm disturbed him from his thoughts, causing him to jump, the screen illuminating the room whose only light was the moon out in the sky. He stood from his spot, knowing the slumbering man wouldn't get up right away since he liked to squeeze out every minute of sleep before he had to get up to go to the radio station.

Making his way over to the bed and around to Nick's side, he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking him just enough to rouse him from his slumber. "Babe. S'time to get up. Wakey wakey." He said, the hints of a smile curling at his lips when he heard the male groan from where his head was buried underneath the blankets. "Nick, babe. Come on. You said you wanted to get to the station early today."

"Ugh." Nick rolled over onto his back, eyes squinting in the dull lighting as he directed his gaze up to his fiancé. "What are you doing up?" He slurred out, sleepiness taking over his voice for the most part, letting out a large yawn.

When he sat up, his legs dangling over the side of the bed, Harry took a seat next to him, grabbing Nick's hand to lace their fingers together, and laying his head on his shoulder. "I couldn't sleep." was all that he offered him.

He honestly wished he felt any semblance of a spark anymore when they touched but he chalked it up to settling into their relationship rather than what he knew to be the real reason he couldn't feel it anymore. It was easier to admit himself than to admit out loud that he'd gotten himself into something he shouldn't have. He still felt a sense of denial floating about his head despite the truth lurking closely behind.

He really couldn't stand to break another heart. Besides, Nick had many redeeming qualities and well, he'd always treated Harry like he was made of gold. Rare in the purest form. It was nice.

Lifting his hand, Nick ran his free hand's fingers through his hair, ruffling the hair a bit. The action startled him out of his internal struggle, attention only being caught by the silver band in which the man beside him had designated as his engagement ring. It glinted in the moonlight shining through the uncovered window, serving as a reminder of absolutely everything. Not just their love anymore. He tried his hardest not to frown.

"You want some tea or something? I can make it before I leave." he asked, kissing Harry on the temple, then moving to the closet to get clothes out for the day.

Harry's brow lifted, slight amusement coloring his features. "Shouldn't I be doing that? Future little housewife and all that?" He quipped, his grin spreading his mouth across his face but not quite reaching his eyes and not creating those telltale craters in his face.

"Now, now Harold." Harry inwardly flinched, unable to keep himself from thinking about all the years he had fought with Louis to get him to stop calling him that, insisting _'But my name isn't Harold, Lou.'_ "This is not olden times. We both make tea because we are progressive men who both know how to put a kettle on. If you can't sleep, I will damn well make you tea."

Despite the obvious things they were lacking, Nick, in retrospect, did make him happy. He could make Harry smile and laugh and the sex wasn't exactly horrible, so he attributed all those factors as reasons not to leave. Gemma's words rung out in his mind though, a doomed marriage was something he swore he would never put himself through. Of course, there was never any way to tell if something could fail but going into things half hearted seemed like it could be a pretty good indicator of future events.

Nick had always been mildly understanding of his relationship with Louis and while the two seemed to have a level of animosity between them, he knew the man understood. That he got how deep things ran between them. After all, Louis was Harry's first true love. You can't really beat that nor can you really ever forget it. He just wished it wasn't still posing a problem for his moving on process. It had been months and instead of Nick's face in his dreams, they were filled with blue eyes and feathery brown hair. Tan skin and thick thighs. He's not too proud of having those kinds of dreams while laying next to someone who is decidedly not Louis but he couldn't really control them, could he?

He figured it was his subconscious way of asking him what the fuck he was doing here when what he really wanted was in a big white house, laying alone in a bed he used to occupy. Well, he didn't really have much of an answer anymore other than maybe they were better apart. Harry had failed him after all. He'd left when he needed him most. Something he promised he wouldn't do. He had disappeared and left Louis to fall apart in his absence. It was the one thing he was most ashamed of. So it had come down to it. He'd settled.

Nick was acting weird the entire time he was getting ready to leave, almost seeming nervous to go into work which truly puzzled him. He'd been doing this for years and it was rare to see him displaying any sign of nerves so naturally, Harry was worried. He kept his mouth shut though, figuring that the male had just been running on a few hours sleep, which he was (they had gotten to bed quite late), and he would mellow out from his frantic nature once he got a coffee and got into the studio.

With a kiss on the cheek and a rushed "See you later babe", he was off in the still dark early morning, heading off to the studio. Harry leaned against the open door frame, watching him go. His arms were crossed over his stomach as he tried to mute all the thoughts in his mind with a heavy sigh.

\----------

Nick breezed into the studio, giving everyone a curt nod as he hadn't even had a chance to ingest his coffee before he got in and now it was cold due to the rainy atmosphere outside. He would have to settle for whatever coffee the new intern had made and undoubtedly screwed up, which he did, filling a styrofoam cup, grimacing as it slid down his throat while he made his way into the studio to get himself prepared.

He had yet to let anyone there know he was actually interviewing Louis today and as unprofessional as it was, he figured no one would mind as the news of his incident was huge on the media circuit and everyone was always updating about his 'recovery'. Either way, it was a good way to bring up his numbers if nothing else since they'd been slipping a little. They loved having Harry in the studio, the figures always soared at their cute little banter so another former One Direction band member wouldn't be a bad idea.

To be perfectly honest, he probably should have told Harry as well that he was having Louis on the show but what exactly could he say? There wasn't really anything he could say to improve the situation between the two of them nor about the fact that he wanted to explain things. He couldn't just take away that chance, for him to explain himself.

When he told the blue eyed male Harry missed him, it wasn't a lie. He could see it in the boy's eyes when they were together and the subject happened to surface. Whether through himself or the telly.

Even when it didn't, sometimes Harry looked about a hundred miles away, absolutely lost in his head, a frown or scowl etched into his face. When that happened, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was rolling through his head. Guilt. Sadness. Upset. All the things he wished he himself could remedy. Thinking he might be able to, however, was foolish.

Today would be a chance to clear the air. For them both to get some closure on the situation and Nick was more than willing to give it to both of them. To spare his relationship from a premature end and to hopefully help a tortured soul. This day was going to be a turning point for everyone.

He'd had feelings for Harry for years. Since he met the boy, really and he'd be damned if he was going to let things go south. He was almost certain there wasn't anyone who had met Harry who hadn't been hopelessly endeared to the point of some semblance of feeling. Harry being all charm and curls and dimples and bad jokes, it all worked in his favor even when he wasn't trying.

When he'd gotten a chance with Harry to turn their one off into something more, he felt like the luckiest man in the world. It was a chance he'd been waiting for much as he would never admit it now. Admitting as much would be the same as admitting he was hoping the relationship between him and Louis would fail and he felt a bit of an ass for that. Sure, he loved rubbing in that he could be with Harry out in public and touch him while Louis could not but he wasn't that vindictive. Seeing Harry completely torn up over the lad didn't exactly make him feel good either so like the good best friend he was, he supported him through it all.

Proposing to him just seemed like the natural next step after they'd been together a while and he jumped off the edge and took the opportunity. He wasn't even sure Harry would say yes, sensing the hesitation in his initial agreement but things got better. They both grew more comfortable with the idea of visualizing marriage. Until, that is, they learned Louis had tried to kill himself. 

It wasn't like he and Louis were best friends or anything, especially now, he probably _hated_ Nick but he still held a high level of concern for him. I mean, it wasn't everyday that someone you knew tried to kill themselves. Especially with you playing a part in it, if the rumors were true. Unlike Harry, he refused to blame himself until things were confirmed. There were a lot of reasons why he could have done it and why cause himself the unnecessary pain if he didn't have to?

He grimaced once again as he took another a sip of his coffee, pushing it aside with an unsatisfied grunt, and straightened up in his chair when he heard a knock on the window next to him.

Nick looked over to the large glass window and saw Louis hesitantly hovering in the hallway, his hands tucked into the pockets of his dark hoodie. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, hair disheveled, his fringe swooping messily across his forehead with individual pieces of hair sticking out in random spots. His usually bright eyes were dull even under the fluorescent lighting which momentarily sparked a small twinge of guilt low in his gut. He pushed it aside however to continue his analyzing, noticing the male looked like he'd gotten the barest amount of sleep despite the rest of his looks, dark half moons shading the skin under his eyes.

He lifted a hand, waving at Louis and received the barest of nods in return, a nod that seemed to be all he'd offer to the fact that he'd noticed Nick waving.

Nick spared a glance to the others in the studio with mildly confused expressions on their faces and let out a nervous laugh, hoping beyond anything he didn't get canned for changing the plan for the show last minute. Someone would probably get pissed about it but with the big story and loads of calls this interview would field, he had a feeling the higher ups would get over it.

\----------

Louis slowly made his way into the studio as Nick started up the show, sitting silently in the chair designated for him while the male started playing music and talking about random things. He wasn't really paying attention to the show, lost in his thoughts and surroundings. A lot of people who were helping run the show were giving him odd looks and he guessed it was because he wasn't originally who was supposed to be the guest today. The constant scrutiny only served to add to his nerves. Usually, huge things like these were always planned out but now this whole thing was a spontaneous idea he'd come up with off hand and they were just going to play it by ear as they went along. He honestly hadn't even thought Nick would go for it.

He was so used to having a script. A certain set of things to say for every situation. He could never say management hadn't trained him well for addressing serious topics but now his palms were sweating as he tried to sort out in his head the things he was going to say to explain himself. It wasn't like Radio 1's Breakfast Show was a small broadcast either, tons of people would be listening. Namely Harry if he knew anything about the boy anymore. He was always the supportive type so of course he would listen to his own fiance's show.

 _'Not the time for that.'_ Louis silently cursed himself inside his head. He must have made a face along with it because when he focused again, Nick was flashing him an expression laced with slight confusion and just the subtlest hints of amusement as he spoke into the mic. As if he could tell Louis was panicking a bit inside his head while his fingers toyed with the hem of his hoodie and was mildly enjoying it and vaguely wondering if he'd gone mad again. To be perfectly honest, Louis felt like he might the more the time passed.

"We have a special treat here for all you lovely listeners out there. Louis Tomlinson here to set the story straight and we all know what story i'm talking about." Nick started, swiveling his chair to face Louis. "So, Tommo, a day ago you expressed interest in doing an interview with me to give everyone peace of mind and clarity about what happened a month ago when you went to the hospital but first, I think we should cover, are you okay now?"

A shaky laugh passed through Louis' lips, his hand lifting to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, i'm all good now. Or I suppose as good as you can be after trying to recover from something like this. Its a process."

He cleared his throat, his voice trembling as he spoke. He was beginning to wonder why he had suggested this in the first place. Louis' chest tightened considerably at the prospect that many people were listening. Even potentially Harry. It had only now really sunk in now that he'd started talking, the gravity of the situation. What would the fans think about this? Would they think him weak? Would they even believe him? No doubt there were loads of dedicated fans who would never suspect him of lying about something so huge but there were always people that did. Whether they thought it was just a story to get his name in the papers, which this level of PR he would never sign off on, it was fucked up. Or that he was just seeking attention where the other boys were getting more. Again, a fucked up situation he'd never agree to but there were always people like that. He'd like to say it didn't bother him anymore but he still had his moments. Times where everything got to him, even when it shouldn't.

"I'm sure everyone is glad to hear that you're doing alright. Now, care to tell us the story?" Nick spoke, interrupting his thoughts.

Louis nodded, giving the lad in front of him a weak smile. There were two ways he could play this. He could agree with the fan's theories, confirm he couldn't handle the news about Harry, and be one hundred percent honest. But it would be like smacking Harry and Nick in the face with blame, both of which they didn't deserve that kind of responsibility. The people in their fandoms could be horrible when that kind of stuff happened. No matter how much he hated the situation, he wouldn't put two people through that because of something _he_ chose to do. There was also the matter of not being out. His team was hardly as progressive as Harry's and where there was leniency in his favor, his own team tightened things up. He'd just gotten so used to parading girls around and fake stories that he didn't notice anymore.

In another angle, he could just tell the fans the bare minimum. Say he made some bad choices because he'd grown depressed and make a real lesson learner out of it. Maybe identify with some of the fans who had depression. Be an advocate for choosing life rather than ending it all. That sort of thing. It seemed like the easier way to go. Yet it didn't feel like it clarified things enough, especially where Harry was concerned. If the boy had been blaming himself the entire time, that would hardly put his mind at ease. The first option would definitely piss off his management and he'd have to delve into the past just to explain it all but it was what was right.

"Well.." He began, his fingers tangling together nervously in his lap. "A long time ago, in a bathroom, I fell in love. It was one of the best things to happen to me."

The startled look on Nick's face, all wide eyed, like a deer caught in the headlights, almost made Louis laugh. He knew that Nick knew he wasn't out. That confirming Larry in any right would cause a shit storm. He seemed almost surprised that after all the years of bullshit, that Louis would just openly and freely say it on the radio knowing what kind of consequences would follow. The phones would probably be ringing off the hook. His team and the boys would probably be calling, pissed off and joyous reactions coming from each side, the one sentence alone was obvious enough that he couldn't turn back now. He didn't care if he lost everything else anymore, he'd already lost the one thing more important to him than anything.

"I had such a lovely relationship with him, filled with love and understanding. Even when we were meant to be hiding, we still had the bravery and faith in ourselves and our relationship to be a little rebellious." Louis paused, his tongue darting out to wet his lips before he continued. He didn't spare Nick another glance, trying to gather his thoughts of how he wanted to approach this. "To say that it was easy, being in the closet, would be a lie. It put quite a strain on our relationship at times. Especially when we both had to lead women around trying to convince the world we were in love with people we most certainly were not."

Nick shifted in his seat, his gaze darting between Louis and the wide eyed assistants and others watching him through the glass. With another pause, he cleared his throat, and continued to speak. 

"There were a lot of things that caused problems for us but what I think really did us in was the fact that i'd changed after my mum died. It was a really hard time for me. Being that we were so close, it felt like a hole in my chest when she'd gone. I chose a really shitty way to deal with things and I chased the only person I was in love with away." A stinging sensation started up behind Louis' eyes but he refused to show it or let his tears fall. Sure, it was all hard to relive but when he was done, maybe he'd feel better.

"The sad thing is, no one knows how smart the fans truly are. They speculate so well and they were right." He directed a glance towards Nick who was staring at him, eyes a dead giveaway that he knew was Louis was about to say. He could see the sinking feeling in his gut all over the expression on his face. "I did see your engagement announcement and lose my mind over it. It was quite unexpected. I went out that night and tried to drink my feelings away, my mates had to carry me home."

Louis was staring at his fingers twisting the hem of his hoodie is his lap, feeling the sadness he had felt that night sweep over him again. It was almost as if telling the story was putting him back in the situation, like some form of torturous PTSD. It was becoming crippling but he was determined to get this out, one way or another.

Clearing his throat, he spoke again. "The entire thing forced me to confront the fact that I had been a horrible person at the end of our relationship and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't understand why I couldn't have just talked to him instead of pushing him away just because he couldn't make it to my mum's funeral. If there's anyone to blame for my actions, its me and me alone."

Louis exhaled deeply, relaxing slightly against the backrest of the chair he was sat in.

"It would be entirely too easy to pass blame off on Nick or Harry.." He trailed off, almost choking as he spoke the name for the first time. "But the truth is, I am responsible for my own actions. I crawled into that bathroom, I grabbed those pills, and I swallowed them. At that point, I don't think anyone could have stopped me, no matter who they were. I was ashamed of myself then and i'm vaguely ashamed now by the fact that I chose to attempt to cut off my life when i've seen firsthand how painful it is to lose someone you care about so much. I would have put people through that and i'm sorry."

A solitary tear slid down his face, over his cheek and landed on the back of his hand. The only tear he would ever let fall, continuing on with his appeal. "I'm sorry to Liam for having to find me like that, i'm sorry to my family for putting them through more worry when we were already struggling, and i'm sorry to Harry. Not only for this and for him feeling like it was his fault but for treating him like nothing in the first place. He's never been nothing to me and he never will be, even if we're separated. Anyone else who was worried about me, friends, fans, anyone.. I am truly sorry for putting you through such distress. I can promise you it will never happen again. I appreciate my life and I hope you will do the same should you ever find yourself in a dark place. You have a lot to live for, even if you can't see it. You will."

Nick offered Louis a small smile over his microphone, connecting their gazes. It was strange but he actually looked proud. It should have made Louis uncomfortable but it was reassuring that he'd done a good job and with his hands shaking in his lap, he'd take all of that he could get.

"Thank you for coming on here and talking to me about this. I figure with it all out in the open now, I can say that i'm glad we cleared the air." Nick replied, nodding his understanding.

"I'm glad that I got the chance to explain. I really didn't want to cause more sadness or trouble than necessary though I may have just gotten myself into more." He let out a nervous laugh, feeling his phone vibrating in his pocket. The storm was coming.

Nick joined in on his laugh. "Well, lets just hope that you don't get into too much trouble for letting your soul burst out on radio without permission. That's it for Louis Tomlinson, guys. We'll be back with more amazing music coming your way in a 'mo." Pushing the mic away, he fixed Louis with a soft gaze. "Thanks for doing this. I know you wanted to get things out but you did a great service for me as well, so i'll give you your due."

Louis shrugged, avoiding the gaze, a slight flush creeping over his cheeks. "I'm glad I could help, if I managed to. Letting anyone else interview me for this story seemed a little wrong."

"Considering it involved me, you bet your ass it would have been wrong, Tomlinson." Nick spoke, the telltale Grimshaw attitude seeping back into his voice but it didn't last long. Eventually, after five minutes of silence and awkward smiles, his tone softened. "You should call him, you know. He's probably listened and is freaking out right now."

"Should you be encouraging me to call your fiancé?"

Nick released a loud laugh, his hand resting on his chest as if it had been more than what it really was. "Probably not but i'm feeling nice today. The offer expires at midnight. He'll turn back into a pumpkin after that."

Louis shook his head, his eyes squeezing shut as the smile grew on his face. "You really just likened him to a princess, Cinderella, didn't you?"

"I suppose Snow White would be more accurate but what could I have said there? He'll be kidnapped by seven dwarves?"

The male's comment startled a surprised and disbelieving laugh out of him because here he was, sat in a studio, freely joking with his ex boyfriend's current fiancé about what kind of princess Harry resembled and the oddest part was that it came easy to him. There was never any secret that part of Louis despised Nick for how easy it was for him but right now, it almost seemed like he was a friend. An ally in this shitty situation and it was the last thing he expected out of everything that happened here. He expected to at least have a little disdain for Nick after this but here they were, laughing together. It was a foreign concept to him.

At the same time, he couldn't deny that after the interview he felt liberated, and it was this man who gave him that chance to feel this. He'd pretty much come out and been able to explain things all in one. Even appeal to the fans who went through difficult times to not make the same mistake he did. To try to live through the pain and persevere. If anything, it made him feel accomplished. He'd done what he came to do and so much more and it felt good. It was almost enough to wipe out the bad. Almost.

There was still that part of his heart, however small it was now, that was bruised and battered from all his failures and losing the love of his life. It was prevalent even then, a dull throb restarting in the center of his chest like a slow drumbeat.

Louis had found an inner peace with the idea that he was most likely going to be alone for the rest of his life. He didn't see a point in trying to replace the feelings he once had with new ones. Every man he would encounter would inevitably pay for the pain he'd caused himself and every single date would end in him slowly walking up the drive of his big, empty house after having spent the whole night comparing them to Harry. A feat which no human male could accomplish, surpassing his ex, that is.

While it worried the people around him, he was hard pressed to see why they were so worried. He was content to spend his nights in with beer and take away and shitty television. It wasn't like he'd never see anyone again. He'd had his happily ever after and while it didn't exactly pan out the way he wanted it to, he wasn't sure he could ever find a love story better than theirs. He had their memories at least.

And that fact was what had Louis smiling in the cab on the way home. Or at least that's what he'd told himself.

_Yeah.. the memories._

\----------

Harry was frozen. His hands were pressed palm down into the dark marble of the kitchen counter where he had been lazily making tea and a little toast to tide him over until next he woke. He supposed it was too late to go to sleep but that wasn't the matter of importance right now. It was Louis. That had been Louis on Nick's show talking to him about his incident. About _them_ and their past. Their relationship.

Louis had freely and without hesitancy admitted on the air of a radio show that he and Harry had been in a long term relationship. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, feeling the rough thudding against his chest. His breathing was labored slightly as he tried to process everything that had been said in such a short span of time. This was definitely the reason Nick had been acting strange before he left for work but how could he not tell him? At least so he could be prepared and not about to have a panic attack like he felt as if he was having now.

Once he trusted himself to move, he grabbed his tea, toast all but forgotten, and he took a seat at the table. Staring down into the dark liquid that filled his cup, he swirled his fingertip around the rim, barely able to swallow past the lump in his throat. Louis had come out. Undoubtedly, he'd done so without any permission and would likely be facing a lot of trouble but he had done it. It reminded him of the rebellious and cheeky version of him from their younger years, always trying to find a way to push the limits placed against them. Always with a smug smile.

The corner of his lips quirked up in a half smile. They'd done so many things without care of getting in trouble because they could just look at the stuffy, suited men sitting across from them and realize they didn't understand at all but long gone were the days where they could make light of what was, in hindsight, a terrible situation. That thought made a frown replace the smile that had begun to form, unable to get the words out of his head. His brain was clouded, of course that could have been from the lack of sleep as well but the fact that Louis had admitted that he'd done wrong in their relationship made him feel a little bit better about leaving.

It also sparked some guilt in him. Guilt that was not easily shaken. Concurrent with his previous thoughts, he knew that he should have stuck it out for the boy he loved but he was right. He was a shadow of his former self at the time. Harry hardly even knew who was lying next to him in bed anymore because it didn't even feel like Louis. It felt like a ghost. Untouchable. Unsoothable. That's when he started feeling as if there was nothing he could do.

Admittedly, Louis changed a lot but Harry was not exempt from fault either, truthfully and he knew that. Letting the older boy take all the blame for this situation seemed like the wrong thing to do. The only way to avoid the admittance of blame bouncing back and forth between them and to settle it with equal blame was to go talk to Louis himself but could he? Could he really face him without feeling some sort of responsibility for his fragile state?

The real question was could he control himself? It wasn't new knowledge that he was still stupidly gone for Louis. The boys knew. Liam sent texts daily for him to talk to him, to try to hash things out and make things easier on them both. When he said he couldn't, all he got in reply was a frowny face emoji. Niall was a little less pushy when they managed to get together but by the way he looked at Harry sometimes, with this expression of pity and sadness. Worry. He knew that the Irishman knew where his thoughts laid and how shit a situation it all was. Zayn, though they didn't speak much, had a lot to say on the matter as well.

He'd run into Zayn at a club gathering and while he tried to be convincing with Nick, all loved up, he wasn't buying it. He would fix Harry with knowing looks and raised eyebrows until finally he muttered, "I swear you two are stupid. You love each other so why the hell aren't you working things out?" And then he walked away, face colored with disappointment.

Harry tried blinking his mess of thoughts away, his hands cupping his mug as he brought it to his lips, taking a long sip as he tried to calm his insides from the current chaos inside him. The boys were right. Everyone was right, really. They needed to talk but things in a romantic sense had come and gone. He would have to get himself under control, stop the incessant thumping of his heart, and realize that they lived separate lives now. He couldn't hurt another person with his choices and Louis most likely wouldn't want to revisit their relationship after what had happened anyway. It was all for the best. They could move on and be free.

Sighing, he stood slowly, putting his dishes in the sink, then all but stumbling up the stairs to get himself dressed. Surely it wasn't a good idea going to see Louis while exhausted but how much more damage could be done, really? He shrugged to himself and pulled a simple white t-shirt on and a pair of his old black skinnies. He missed them. It had been all YSL and Gucci for a while now, it was nice to go back to simpler times every once in a while. Even if he did quite enjoy the extravagance.

He peeked outside through the bay window as he buttoned his jeans, noticing the gloomy looking sky even while the morning hours were approaching and as a last minute choice, decided to take his umbrella. Of course, he'd drive there but being fond of the way his curly hair was currently styled, which had taken actual hours, he didn't exactly want to ruin it. It took him a few minutes to figure out as he pulled his boots on that he was obsessing over the way he looked much like he used to when Louis would take him out on dates when they were younger.

He paused, inhaling deeply, his head falling forward, forehead resting against the door as a hand gripped the door handle. "Get it together." He whispered, opening the door, and stepping out, opening the umbrella to walk to his car.

The morning was quiet aside from the light chirping of birds and rustling trees from the dull wind. Harry couldn't stand how quiet it was, it was driving him mad. The less noise, the more he thought about things and really that was never good for anyone. He'd probably make a fool of himself but at least this was Louis. He'd seen Harry sporting a gold thong, there wasn't much further he could plummet.

As it so happened, he'd had enough of the quiet and turned on the radio, turning it more than halfway up when he got to an Arctic Monkey's song he was rather fond of. Harry's hands tapped against the steering wheel, lips moving with the words, as he let the music consume him and his mind until he finally made it to the street on which their formerly shared home stood.

When he pulled into the drive, he noticed Louis' was not the only car that was here but Liam's was as well. Fantastic. Not only would he have to face Louis but the fact that Liam would know he came. No doubt this would give him enough license to say 'I told you so' when they'd worked things out for a pretty good while. _Can't wait._ He thought to himself as he slowly made his way on shaky legs up the drive and to the door.

\---

"I can't believe that you actually did that! On the radio, no less. You're going to be in so much trouble. You _know_ you have a contract, Louis. One that specifically states you're not allowed to talk about this!" Liam exclaimed, pacing back and forth in front of a rather irritated and exhausted Louis who sat on the couch in front of him.

Niall sat on his left, watching Liam move while Louis rubbed his eyes, his annoyance building.

"Liam, did it ever occur to you that I don't care about the fucking contracts anymore? They've put me through enough."

"Li, he's right. I mean, imagine they did all this shit to you for years. Didn't let you be who you were. You would crack too, eh?" Niall spoke up, slapping a reassuring hand down onto his knee, squeezing it.

Liam shot the irish lad an incredulous look, pausing his steps to turn to them, hands on his hips, and a cross look on his face. "Niall, you can't possibly think that even under the worst of circumstances that this won't cost Louis everything he's worked towards."

Louis sighed heavily, pushing his fingers back into his hair, holding his fringe back. "Then they can take everything. Honestly, if they completely pushed me out of the music business, I can't say I would care."

Louis loved Liam and his tendency to worry. It was what made him Daddy Direction early on. He kept all of them together and afloat during hard times. Usually, Liam was the one who was the voice of reason in the band, the rest of them not exactly the best at making decisions and keeping things straight. Right now, though, as he stared down the potential to lose his entire career, he couldn't say that he would mind much. Sure, it had given him so many good things and the money was nice. Being able to do nice things for his family and even random people to see them smile was always great but after the interview, after the initial calm had gone, he was just left empty.

He felt like an exhausted source. Something people had used so much one way or another and now he just had nothing left. Even if he tried to make a solo career, he wasn't sure he even had the talent to write anymore. Everything was pain when it wasn't numbness. He was essentially back to where he started. The coming out thing, even when it had its novelty as a surprise, didn't feel as good as it might have had he had someone sat next to him, holding his hand the whole time. No. He just had to talk about said person marrying another person.

"You can't actually mean that.." Liam said, his voice quieter than it had been a bit ago. "Mate this is what we went to the X Factor for in the first place. We all went as solo artists. Now we have that chance."

Louis shook his head, standing up. "What we want changes, Liam. I wanted to die a month ago, look at me now."

His mind reeled with the realization that he'd never actually admitted that out loud before. Not to anyone he knew. After a long back and forth in his mind about whether he wanted to die that night or not, he had come to the startling conclusion that if he had died, it wouldn't have been a big deal. Of course to most people, that would sound like he was going backwards instead of forwards.

"I knew you shouldn't have gone on that show." Niall broke the long silence, a frown sliding onto his face.

Louis tilted his head to the side, his own frown growing as he moved forward to hug Niall. "I'm never going to stop loving him. That's all. Its sad but i'll deal. Everything's okay."

A knock on the door startled all three males out of silence and Louis nodded to the door when Liam inquired whether or not he should answer it for him. Once Liam had opened the door, his face lit up with surprise and disbelief.

"You know, I never expected you to come here. Like, ever." Liam spoke, allowing the man in front of him to slide through but remain in the entryway unnoticed. "I'm glad you finally came, Harry."

Harry chuckled nervously. "Honestly, I don't know if I can even make it past this spot without fainting."

"He's.. well he's in a rough spot but you two really need to do this so just take deep breaths." Liam walked forward, nodding towards the door. "Niall lets go."

"But Louis is hugging me! He never hugs anyone." Niall whined, standing, Louis following him with a laugh escaping his mouth.

"That's a filthy lie Hor-" Louis' statement died in his throat when he noticed Harry lingering in the doorway, feeling about as shocked as Niall looked with his wide eyes and gaping mouth while Liam dragged him out of the house.

"And then there were two." Harry mumbled, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his face flushing slightly while Louis continued to stare.

He felt like he was dreaming. That soon his alarm on his phone would go off as an annoying buzzing and generic tune in his ear and Harry would disappear behind his eyelids. He also knew that that was definitely not the case due to his twisting stomach, the lump in his throat, and the lurch of his heart. "What are you doing here?" He rasped, his entire esophogas feeling like a desert.

Harry lifted a shoulder in a shrug, taking a tentative step forward, hands remaining in his pockets as if he thought if he took them out, Louis would run. "I thought that we should talk. I heard you on the radio."

"Talk about what, Harry? There's really nothing to say. I just wanted to clear the air." No matter how much Louis wanted to step backwards, he kept his place, pretending he was glued in place with super glue. A bit juvenile but really, it was the only thing keeping him from locking himself in the bedroom with all the nerves and emotions coursing through his veins. "Nick said you felt bad. Guilty. Wanted to let you know it wasn't your fault."

"Can we?" The curly haired boy gestured to the living room that he'd just come from and Louis let out a shaky laugh, swallowing roughly.

He turned, leading Harry into the living room, sitting in the middle of the couch. "Your name is still on the lease. Obviously you can come in and sit."

"You live here. That's rude." The boy's brows furrowed, a frown popping onto his face and Louis couldn't help thinking he'd rather see the dimples. "You see, its not all your fault. Some of it is mine. I want to explain what I was thinking then. What was going on and how I saw things. If that's alright?"

"Be my guest."

Harry inhaled and exhaled shakily, his own fingers fumbling in his lap much like Louis' had at the studio.

"When your mum died, I fought like hell to try to get back to be at her funeral. I even threatened to just leave. They wouldn't let me and told me I was doing the show or I was never performing in that venue again." Harry's eyes were squeezed shut, a sour smile spreading on his face at the memory. "It was the worst kind of thing for someone to do to me. I told them my boyfriend had just lost his mum but did they care? Of course not."

More guilt flooded into Louis's stomach as the clearly broken hearted boy explained. Harry had tried to be there for him but he was forced by the people who were in basically in charge of him to perform nevertheless. Considering the other things that they'd been forced into, it should have been his first thought but he was out of his mind with grief and it was just easier to blame Harry than to understand why he'd had to go through this without him.

Noticing Louis' slightly pained face, Harry carefully rested his own hand atop his as it rested on the couch. "Hey. I know you feel bad for getting mad. The truth is, I should have just left. You were worth more than any venue."

"I wouldn't have let you do that, though. You would hate to be barred from a venue. You like making people happy, Harry. As many people as you can." Louis averted his gaze to the floor, finding the neutral color of the creme rug suddenly very interesting. "S'one of the reasons I love you so much."

Harry's heart skipped a beat in his chest with Louis' admission. It was always an experience hearing those words. He still found it hard to believe they'd told each other they were in love with each other at just seventeen and nineteen years old. The phrase never once got old. Every time felt like the first to him, it made his hands shake.

"Its not all your fault, you know. I shouldn't have given up on you."

Louis held up his palm, stopping him from speaking. "Harry, I didn't make it easy on you. I was so fucked up by the time you left that I don't blame you."

His own eyes fixing on the loose lace on his boot, he continued with his previous explanation. "You see, that's the thing. I barely knew you anymore. You looked at me as if I had spit on your mum's grave. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I did more harm than good when I was around you."

"God this is all so fucked." Louis muttered, burying his face in his hands. He could hardly believe what a mess they both made out of something that had such potential because they didn't communicate properly. "I"m sorry. I know nothing can ever really make that okay because you're the last person I would ever want to make feel like that but as well, you know how close me mum and I were. Her dying gutted me. When they came to me with the idea for Briana and the baby, I just agreed because I was so used to hiding. I was so numb, I didn't care anymore. Little did I know you'd end up disappearing for a week."

When the plot had come up and they'd got him into the offices to discuss it, he was exhausted. He rarely slept after the funeral and was burying himself in whiskey and pot which of course didn't make Harry happy at all. His eyes were so bloodshot someone had asked him if he'd smoked before coming in. With a laugh he just said maybe and stumbled into the head's office.

He hadn't the presence of mind at the time to consider how Harry would have felt seeing the news come out about him having a baby with an american stylist from LA and he figured they used that to their advantage. When Louis'd gotten a text message from him simply showing the front cover of the tabloid, he knew the boy was pissed. He didn't see him for a week. He was either at the studio or staying with one of his friends until he cooled down enough to talk about it. Which of course, the subject never came up again. Louis never quite let it have the chance to resurface. He was ashamed he'd let it happen, if he was honest.

"Lou.. I reacted horribly to that. I think at that point I couldn't understand why all the lying was okay but us being true to ourselves wasn't." Harry shook his head and motioned with his hands to change back to the topic at hand. "That isn't what the point is here. You were having such a hard time, it was only reasonable that you were going to change a bit with the pain. It does that to people. I should have realized that and stayed to support you. I ran away. I hate that."

Silence fell over them, Louis' gaze shifting over the room, until it finally landed on Harry. "Can we just admit we both fucked up? I think that's a safe assumption anyway."

Harry's lips perked up into a smile, head moving in a slow nod. "Yeah I think we can agree on that. We both did something wrong. What can we do to make it right? I want you in my life, Lou."

Louis scoffed. "What? So I can watch you marry Nick? I'm still in love with you, you really think that's wise?"

Shame colored Harry's cheeks a light pink, his teeth wearing on his lower lip, fingertips grazing across when it snapped back into place. When he spoke again, his voice was in a whisper. "I need you."

With the gentle and soul baring confession hanging in the dead air between them, Louis couldn't find it in his heart to say an outright no. Was it really a good idea to invite this boy whom he was in love with back into his life? Surely it would just be a lot of one sided pining and heartaches and he didn't know if he could do that. However, seeing the forest green eyes of Harry staring at him with so much hope, maybe even laced with desperation for contact again, he let out a heavy sigh.

"Why don't we just try to see how hanging out goes. Take away. Netflix. Any stupid baking show you want." Louis gave him a small smile, a gesture to let him know it was a joke. "I can't promise anything, but i'll try."

"That's all I ask really." Harry moved forward, wrapping him in a tight hug. He couldn't help but think he wished Harry would crush his bones so maybe he didn't have to try. But the soft "Thanks Lou." that came out almost made him agreeing to destroy himself worth it.

In the end, they'd decided upon chinese takeout and some cooking competition that reminded Louis of the shows they used to watch when they would curl up on the couch together. He'd always been more interested in Harry's reactions and just him in general than the show in front of them and would always get caught staring. Harry would giggle and either push his face towards the telly and tell him to pay attention or he'd lean forward and kiss him.

Now, however, there was about a foot of space between them and his gaze was fixed intently on the screen. Louis could feel his stomach twisting and turning which he wanted to attribute to the overwhelming amount of food he'd eaten but in reality, he knew it was because Harry was here. He was existing in the same room at the same time and what used to be normal for them was completely foreign. He couldn't do anything he used to do, that would be weird. Harry had a boyfriend. Scratch that. He was getting married.

But just how exactly did anyone expect him to do this without laying a finger on the one person who could light up his veins with fire?

His thoughts were interrupted by a laugh that erupted from Harry about something that was said on the tv in which Louis was paying no attention to. His eyes had, without permission, settled on the details of the other boy's face, burning holes in the fair, flawless skin of his face. If Harry could feel his gaze on him, he wasn't saying anything, too transfixed by watching someone decorate some stupid cake to care. The more he stared, the more his heart started to race, pumping so quickly in his chest he thought it might burst through the skin. His lips were slackening just the fainted bit but it was enough to be able to tell he was lost in what he was looking at. He was lost in Harry.

He knew this was a bad idea. He'd always been a selfish man. Much as he'd like to say he wasn't the type to aid in cheating, he couldn't say he wouldn't do anything to feel Harry. To be able to kiss him. To have him.

When a commercial break interrupted the show, Harry finally glanced over to him, his smile dying on his face. He wasn't sure what his expression read as to him but Louis knew what he felt at least. He wanted. His arm was outstretched over the back of the couch, his body had somehow turned inward towards his and his mind was a constant birage of _HarryHarryHarry_. He really was always so stupid when Harry was around.

"Lou?" Harry questioned him, barely looking like he even knew what he wanted to say next.

Louis swallowed hard, staying silent. Maybe if he didn't talk, he wouldn't make this a situation that would bear them both shame later.

Even as the show resumed on the telly, it went forgotten, two heated, dark gazes fixed on each other. Willing, _daring_ the other to do something about them. It was clear neither of them wanted to make things more complicated but they also both couldn't stop whatever was happening right now. In hindsight, Louis knew that he should be the one to stop it. Harry was taken, Harry had hurt him. This was not a good idea. They needed to stop.

Of course, even that line of intelligence did not stop him from moving forward and straddling Harry's lap, resting his forearms on his shoulders, and digging his fingers into curly hair.

"What are we doing?" Harry breathed out when their foreheads touched, tentatively at first.

He took a moment to really take in that question. It all was very sudden, the change in the mood of the atmosphere around them. How his insides felt, alight with butterflies and fire. Louis couldn't deny that Harry just had that effect on him, no matter the circumstances. At this point, he'd rather burn from the inside out rather than feel the gaping hole inside his chest that had taken up space there after he'd left the studio no matter what was at stake. He needed to feel something but he also needed to be smart.

"I don't know. We shouldn't be doing this but Haz I cant-" He mumbled but wasn't allowed a moment for rational and clear thought.

He was cut off by a pair of lips pressing against his own and a tongue forcing its way through the seam of his lips. His initial thought was to push Harry away, to ask him just what the fuck he thought he was doing despite the fact that he had initialized the idea. However, his brain short circuited as heat surged from the tips of his toes to the fingertips buried in silky locks. Body lighting up like a flash fire, he pressed their chests together. Louis could feel the heat seeping through Harry's threadbare shirt, cutting their kiss short to tug it over his head.

Harry aided Louis in getting his shirt off, tossing the fabric aside without a care as to where it landed. He could have sworn he heard a glass fall off the coffee table but his brain felt as if it was in a whirlwind, dizzy with lust. He couldn't concentrate. As he tried to connect their mouths once more, the other boy halted him. He pulled the hoodie he wore off, the material getting stuck on his head which prompted Harry to laugh but eventually he helped though impatience was twinging underneath his skin.

In the interest of himself he dug his face into Louis' neck, trailing soft kisses up the column of his throat. Harry's teeth nipped at the skin gently, only enough for the mere sensation, opting not to leave marks where people could see. He pressed a smug smile into the tan skin when he found Louis temporarily distracted from fighting with his shirt, his head tilted back as he bit back a soft noise.

"Can I get this off now or are you going to fuck me like this?" Louis inquired, his brow raised when he righted his head again.

Harry was feeling brave. Despite the distinct fact that this was all very wrong, he was completely high off Louis and the sense of power that he had in the fact that Louis was giving himself over. Something that hadn't happened many times in their relationship due to the fact that he was a bit of a cockslut back then. Hell, even now. He slid his hands up Louis' thighs, gipping his hips, and squeezed them over his t-shirt. The heavy exhale and muffled noise in the back of his throat made Harry's head spin. So those were still sensitive then.

"I'd rather take it off with my teeth. Just like i'd want to do to the rest of your clothes."

When their gazes reconnected, he realized Louis' eyes had almost gone blame, too dark with arousal to even be considered the pretty blue they usually were anymore and if it was even possible, he could practically feel them getting darker.

"What are you waiting for... Daddy. Don't you want this?" Louis teased softly, his hips beginning to move slowly, his ass grinding against the thick and hard outline of Harry's cock in his jeans.

The nickname caused Harry to groan, his grip on Louis' hips tightening and releasing, like he didn't know whether he wanted to encourage the smaller boy or stop him from moving. Truth be told, whatever intelligence he had was currently leaving him in a cloud of smoke. The grind was so good that he could barely articulate words much less form a worthy response.

Instead of responding, Harry gripped the hem of Louis' shirt, ripping it up over his head roughly, his mouth immediately attacking the collarbones he knew all too well. He used to love leaving pretty marks for people to see when Louis wore those scoop neck tops he loved so much. Of course, Caroline would cover them up but he knew they were there and Louis loved wearing them like little badges of honor. So he was sure to leave some this time too, marring the perfect, tan skin with red splotches from his mouth, allowing Louis to better cover these as a memory only for him.

"Stand up." Harry commanded gruffly, running his hands up the backs of the boy's legs when he obeyed. "God you're so.. perfect."

Leaning forward, Harry pressed a soft kiss just above the waistband of Louis' jeans, proceeding to mouth along it with a hint of teeth, once again reveling in the tiny whine that came forth from inside Louis while he squeezed his shoulders from where he held them to keep his balance.

After he'd finished his ministrations, he stayed true to his word, gripping onto the button on Louis' jeans with his teeth, tugging on it until it opened up. He did much of the same with the zipper, nuzzling into the bulge of his cock hidden underneath.

Louis' hips shot forward and his grip on his shoulders got tighter until his nails were digging into the inked skin underneath his hands. "Harry. Jesus."

Harry's gaze directed back up to Louis' face, another smug smile spreading along his face, and amusement shining in his eyes. "Don't act as if you don't love it. You know you miss my mouth."

Louis shook his head, sighing impatiently, and bending forward to hastily push down his jeans and boxers in one go. He stepped out of them carefully and kicked them over to the side to assure that Harry wouldn't trip on them later. After he'd managed to do that, he got off Harry's jeans which were impossibly hard to get off in the first place and he cursed the boy for wearing these tight fucking pants again. Once he got them off though, he was satisfied to let them pool at Harry's feet, his boxer briefs joining to do the same.

When Harry made a move to take them all the way off, Louis stopped him, crawling back onto his lap. "Leave them. I want you _now_."

"Wait, Lou, i've gotta pr-"

"Harry." Louis whined, pressing kisses into the line of his jaw. "If I don't get you inside me in the next few moments, i'm going to fuck myself."

"I'll be quick." He replied, pecking Louis' lips, his chin held between his fingers. "Lube?"

Louis rolled his eyes. "Under the damn pillow."

"Quite presumptuous, eh?" Harry smirked, grabbing it, and drizzling some of it on his fingers. He rubbed his fingers together to warm it up a little and without giving him the chance to respond, pressed his middle finger against his rim, rubbing slow circles against the puckered flesh, watching as Louis's teeth sunk into his lower lip. 

Pushing past the ring of muscle, he pressed his middle finger inside Louis, exhaling harshly at how hot and tight he was just around his finger. It truly had been way too long since he'd been in this position, the last time having been actual years ago. He couldn't imagine feeling this tight of heat around his cock without coming in ten seconds flat. Hopefully he'd last longer. It was clear that Louis hadn't been self pleasuring in a while as well, which made his head swim with all types of filthy thoughts.

He'd been the last one inside. He was the last one to make Louis cum like this. The thought made him growl which earned him a slightly amused look from Louis. Deciding to focus himself on him and his pleasure for the time being, he started to fuck him slowly with his finger and then with another. He added his index finger on an outstroke, immediately spreading them apart to stretch him, the boy bucking back onto his fingers and panting in his ear. If it wasn't for his laser focus and need to be inside Louis, he probably would have cum on himself already.

He sped up the thrusts of his fingers, curling them every so often, teasing at being close to the spot that would light off fireworks in Louis' gut but he never actually touched it. Once Louis had begun to shake trying to get Harry's fingers to go deeper, that's when he pulled them out, earning him a death glare. Of course it was all better in an instant because he was giving Louis the go ahead to get on his dick.

When Louis sunk down onto him, it felt like dying and going to heaven. He was almost certain he could see a bright halo surround him like the angel he was. His tight squeeze felt like first sip of cold water after a long, hot run. It felt like coming home. His head was tipped backwards and his mouth hung open in a wide 'O'. As his ass and Harry's hips met, their foreheads pressed together again, hairlines already sweaty and making them slide as the sweat dripped down their skin.

"God I forgot how big you are." Louis panted, his palms pressing into his sweat slicked shoulders.

"You forgot?" Harry asked, cheekily pushing his hips upward, jolting Louis in his lap.

Louis dug his nails in much as he had before, brows furrowing, and a squeak sliding from his lips. It transformed into a moan before it exited his body. "God, I hate you."

He pressed his lips against the boy's neck, his hands sliding up and down Louis' hips while his nose glided against Louis' jaw. "Whenever you're ready, baby."

Louis took things slow at first, moving his hips in little figure eights to get used to Harry's size again. It had admittedly been a long while since he'd been a bottom but he couldn't say he regretted the chance to do it now as he worked his hips. Lifting himself, he slid back down just as easily, but with a harsh slap of his ass against Harry's hips. It startled a forceful moan out of him, his nails staying buried in the flesh of Harry's shoulders.

"I want you to fuck me." Louis breathed, pressing a harsh kiss against Harry's lips. "I don't wanna do all the work. I want you to do what you want to me."

Harry's lips ghosted over to Louis' ear, his teeth nipping at his earlobe. "Ride me for a little bit and then i'll take over. Take what you want first."

Louis nodded, lifting himself up and letting himself fall back down on Harry's cock once more until he built up a steady rhythm of fucking himself, bouncing up and down, his teeth chewing roughly on his lower lip to try to stifle the moans and heavy breaths emitting from him but to no avail. It all felt too good to contain but he still felt like Harry was more worthy than the air to be an audience to his noises so he pressed his mouth against the shell of his ear. Every once in a while, Harry would jolt his hips upwards with a smug smile and burning eyes, pushing his cock deeper into Louis and he would yelp and claw at his shoulders and beg him to keep doing it. Of course, he wouldn't. He was a tease that way.

Eventually, Harry was getting a little too tired of just sitting back and watching, thoughts of Louis squirming and panting underneath him plaguing his mind until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Stop." He said, gripping Louis' hips to still him from his desperate bouncing which had grown faster, signaling he was probably close.

Louis whined out loud but obeyed, stilling his motions to wait for Harry's instructions. When Harry grabbed his legs and lifted him, pressing his back into the couch, he released an involuntary squeak. As Harry's body hovered over his and his mouth began to litter his neck with small, barely there love bites, his back arched up off the fabric below him and he gripped the boy's hair, pulling him up into a filthy kiss. With so much intensity fluttering between them, it was more like just breathing heavily into each other's mouths but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Louis' legs lifted, wrapping them tight around Harry's waist, his heels pressing into the small of his back as he guided his cock back inside. He didn't have the patience anymore to allow him to adjust to the stretch so instead he snapped his hips forward, burying his cock in the tight heat in one go, head falling forward as he groaned.

Harry grabbed both of Louis' arms, pinning them above his head, and using it as leverage to propel his hips forward, not leaving any room for gentle anymore. He was burning and by the way Louis was arching up into him, he knew he didn't mind the rough quality.

"Fuck." The boy below him keened when Harry had adjusted his hips, slamming directly into his prostate. "Harry. Daddy. Please I- Right there."

His words were coming out slurred and breathy and in a jumble of nonsense, feeling as if the blood in his veins had been replaced by magma from an erupting volcano in his gut. They were both sweating buckets but neither of them could stop. Neither of them could breathe. It was an endless stream of want and they were immersed.

When prompted, Harry didn't disappoint, leaning forward slightly to rest a hand on the arm of the couch above Louis' head, his other hand holding his wrists. Pausing to make sure his angle was right with short, gentle spurts, he began to jolt his hips forward roughly with his determined aim, feeling the tightening of the muscles of Louis' thighs as they framed his hips. He was like a marathon runner and the goal was dead ahead, the goal to make Louis shoot hard enough to see stars and to stay in this exact place. For now, forever. For any amount of time. He felt so high on the keens and moans and the heat prickling at his skin that he couldn't even concentrate anymore, his thrusts becoming sloppy as he neared his own orgasm.

Before Harry knew what was happening, Louis was arching up violently off the couch, what could only be described as a pornographic moan of his name sliding through his red, swollen lips. White ribbons of cum shot up his chest, all the way to his chin, and it didn't take much to bring him off after. A few unsteady fucks into the weakening body below him sent him tumbling down a tunnel of pleasure that nearly had him blacking out as he came with his cock buried deep inside Louis, filling him up like a pastry at a bakery.

He rolled off of Louis' body and between him and the back of the couch, still trying to catch his breath. He knew he should be ashamed of what he'd done but at that moment, he was too tired and sated to care. He wished he didn't have to go home to another person. It was all just so complicated. How was he possibly going to get through this? It was either hurt someone else or hurt himself.

"I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head." Louis broke the silence between them, rolling over onto his side to be able to look Harry in the eyes.

"We really shouldn't have done this, I know that much." Harry paused, pushing his fingers back through his sweat soaked hair. "But this with you feels more right than anything with Nick ever did."

Louis' face scrunched up and he shook his head. "Lets not mention potential husbands after we've just had sex, okay?"

Harry frowned, his face falling forward, his forehead resting on Louis' shoulder. "I really don't want to have to deal with this."

"Sorry, love but you're not sixteen anymore. You're an adult." The blue eyed boy tangled his fingers in his love's hair, fingertips rubbing his scalp. "We adults deal with things when we're not in love with our fiance's anymore. When we want something else back."

"I guess it just depends if I am coming back to something."

Harry's eyes were inquiring as he lifted his head and Louis knew this was the million dollar question. Sure, he loved Harry and he wanted him back but was it a good idea for them? They had both hurt each other pretty badly, were they right for each other still? Was this the best thing?

Could he handle it if things went south again? If there was a next time, maybe he wouldn't survive it. Maybe Liam wouldn't be here this time. He knew he couldn't handle his sadness on his own. He and Harry really had a lot of work to do on things before they could even consider themselves a couple again. Harry breaking it off with Nick for starters. All in all, he knew what his answer would be before the question was asked.

"We have to talk to each other or this is never going to work and i'm not sure if I can handle it if you just leave again. We might not be right for each other anymore but i'm willing to try." Louis said, his hand dropping between them. He exhaled. Honesty was the best policy and all that, right?

"Of course, fair enough. It would.. take me a while to break up with Nick, though." Harry's face had tinted pink, mostly out of shame. He couldn't believe he'd had to say something like that. Never in a million years...

Louis nodded his understanding. "I'm not going to be the other woman forever, Harry. So you'd better work fast."

Harry picked up his hand, kissing each knuckle. "I would never to that to you, Lou."

"Then I suppose its settled. We're.. something. But not officially something. Just.. something." Louis mumbled, his own blush overtaking his tan, slightly damp skin. He knew he didn't make any sense but then again neither did any of this. A week ago Harry was out of his life for good and now he's sleeping with him behind his fiance's back. What a life.

Harry pushed himself up, grabbing his phone out of his discarded jeans on the floor, and checking the time. "I should shower and get going. Nick's going to be home soon."

Louis suddenly felt a pang of worry. Of panic. Did he just make the biggest mistake of his life? He gave himself over to Harry after years and now he's just leaving and its entirely possible that he will never see him again. That he'd just disappear after he'd got his bit of nostalgia for the time being. He sat up on the couch, his head spinning with a head rush. He exhaled shakily, standing on legs that felt like jello in an unsteady bowl.

"Yeah, you'd better go. You don't wanna keep hubby waiting."

"Lou..Hey." He gripped Louis' shoulders, steadying him, forest green piercing into ocean blue. "I meant what I said. This all, it felt right with you. Not just the sex but being with you. Being here. I'm right here and just because i'm going home doesn't mean i'll never come back. I want you."

Harry knew that Louis had a few abandonment issues in relation to his father and whenever they'd fought, he'd had a panic attack or two worrying when he would go out for a walk or to the studio to calm himself down, claiming that he was worried he wouldn't come back to which Harry replied that he would always come back to him. Granted, he may have worsened things when they'd broken up, leaving him at such a crucial time when he needed him. All it really took was a little reassuring and things were fine again.

Louis took a deep breath in and nodded on his exhale, trying to calm his spinning insides. He hoped to quell the anxiety that was lurking in the back of his mind and for the time being, with Harry's eyes boring into his own, he did. Everything stopped for a bit and he felt like a whole person again. He felt okay. Temporary was better than nothing. Maybe they could work on it together.

He lifted his fingers, one of them drifting over the spot where Harry's dimple would be on his cheek. "You should go. I don't want to keep you."

Harry answered with a smile and a soft peck to his lips, his fingers gripping Louis' chin gingerly. "I'd let you keep me from anything but you're right. I need to go."

Louis' frown momentarily turned into a pout, his eyes drifting down to his lips. He followed the boy as he walked to the door, opening it, and leaning against the door frame.

"Do I really miss you already? I'm becoming one of those characters in your gross rom coms."

"Heeeyyy. My rom coms are lovely." Harry whined, stopping just outside the door, turning to Louis. "Besides, you're cute when you're sappy, you know? Dare I say I like it more than sassy."

Louis cracked a smile, his head tilting to the side. "You love when i'm sassy too, don't lie."

Harry chanced a look around. The day had become fully brightened and as if by some miracle, the sun was shining. Nobody seemed to be walking on the street so he gripped Louis by the hips and kissed him firmly. A single kiss to carry with him to help him through the day. Something to hold them over.

"I'm gonna miss you too." He whispered, pushing a stray hair out of the blue eyes he adored. He kissed Louis' cheek and then took off, scared if he kept kissing him, he'd never stop, feeling Louis' fond and warm stare following him even as he disappeared into his car and around the corner.

\-----------

Two things had become painfully clear as he drove from Louis' house to the flat he shared with Nick, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

One, he reeked of sweat and sex, or at least so he thought, and really should have taken a shower before he left. Two, he was probably the worst person on the face of the Earth right now.

The closer he got to home, or at least the charade that was supposed to be home, the more the guilt started to settle heavy in his gut. Nick had been very good to him and had done everything he could to make Harry happy and he'd done this to him.

He never fancied himself a cheater, he thought it was disgusting. Always wondered how people could do that to their significant others if they truly loved them. Then again, he'd really decided earlier that day that maybe he wasn't as in love with Nick as he wanted to be. As he'd made himself out to be to try to get people to stop lecturing him about settling for the easiest thing to handle after Louis. The better thing for him.

That was just the problem though. He wasn't Louis and the longer things went on, the more glaringly obvious it felt. Still, it was no excuse for him to sleep with his ex boyfriend while engaged. He'd made a commitment and he should at least have the guts to tell him the truth.

The thing was, even though over the years he'd gone from wondering why the people who hated him did so to just plain not caring what people thought, he was still horrid at losing people he cared about. It was probably why he found himself in this situation in the first place. He didn't know how to tell someone something if it was going to completely crush them or he'd end up losing them. In this situation, he was pretty sure both applied.

When he got home, he realized he'd beaten Nick home. He stepped quickly into the bathroom, discarding his clothes in the hamper, and started up the shower. His hands held him up on his feet as they pressed into the granite countertop, otherwise he probably would have fallen as he stared at himself in the mirror in front of him. He looked happy, was the sad thing about it. His skin was glowing with sweat and a little something more. Something that could have only been provided to him by Louis' presence.

He shook the thoughts away and stepped into the shower slowly. Allowing his head to hang forward, chin pressed against his chest, he just let the water stream over his body, washing away every trace of the boy he'd left behind. The more he stood there, the heavier his limbs got, not only with exhaustion but sadness. Guilt. Anger. A whole spectrum of emotions he was too tired to examine.

When he exited the shower, towel hanging low on his hips, he noticed Nick sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a mug of coffee. He looked nervous, tension shaping his shoulders into a firm, straight line.

He offered Harry a sheepish smile, waving at him with two fingers. "Hi, love."

Harry swallowed hard, pasting a smile on his face as he walked forward, pulling out a chair. He sat down, his elbows pressing into the wood of the worn down table.

"Hi." He responded softly, offering a calming smile.

He knew Nick probably thought he was pissed off at him for the Louis interview and if things hadn't transpired like theY did, maybe he would be. In this instance though, he tilted his head as his fiance struggled for words.

"I- I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Louis would be on. I assume you heard?" The paper rustled as Nick folded it back up and pushed it away.

"I did." Harry nodded and Nick blanched. "Its okay though. I get it. Ratings and all that."

"He asked me to do it, Harry. That night he came to see you."

He nodded once more, shrugging. "I know he did. We talked."

The look of surprise on Nick's face sort of baffled Harry. He suspected that this was his plan all along. To solve the rift and possibly make his moping around the house out of sadness stop. "You did?"

"Yeah. On the phone." He omitted. "I had to- after all that. I needed to talk to him."

"And? Did everything go okay?" Nick asked, laying his hand atop Harry's on the table, stroking his knuckles with his thumb.

Any other time, Harry would have smiled. Now, he felt like throwing up at the slightest bit of contact from Nick. It all felt so out of place and wrong. It was like he'd rewound time in the matter of hours.

Harry smiled. "Yeah, everything went great."

"That's great, baby. I'm happy for you." Nick grinned and stood from his chair, moving over towards Harry to give him a peck on the lips. He tried as hard as he could not to move away from it, even though he wanted to. "I'm going to shower, want to join?"

Harry inwardly grimaced and shook his head, standing up, himself. "No thanks, i'm going to get some sleep. I haven't slept much."

Nick nodded his head and he disappeared into their bathroom without another word and it left Harry to think as he stripped off his towel and got into the bed he shared. The bed he shared with someone who was not Louis. It felt like a switch had been hit and suddenly everything he thought he was okay with suddenly bothered him more than he cared to admit but how had he ever been okay with sharing his life with someone who wasn't the blue eyed boy he met in a bathroom?

Fate had thrown them together and it was clear to him from the moment they said their first words to each other that Louis was someone he wasn't supposed to live without. Yet he did. But it was a half life. It was only filled with settling for second best and fake happiness and that wasn't something he ever thought he would put himself through. He never thought he would let himself down as much as he let Louis down by leaving.

Seeing this space that had no traces of Louis in it, he immediately felt uncomfortable. This wasn't his home. His home resided on the other side of London in a house he'd moved into when he was 16 years old after spending hours convincing his mother he really did know what love was.

Louis showed him was love was. He always had and Harry had no doubt that he always would. It would be his prime example, their relationship, and now they had a second chance. He had a second chance to be what he neglected to be the first time plus more and he would try his damndest to do it.

Those thoughts are what made the crippling guilt in his gut fade and lolled Harry into a deep, comfortable sleep that morning. He just hoped his optimism served him well this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So im so sorry this took so long to post. If you're still here, thank you so much.  
> Don't be afraid to drop a comment.
> 
> I will try to get the last chapter out as soon as I possibly can.  
>  
> 
> Thank you again!


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